Another sad post

Sorry. Ignore at will but I have to get this out.

I think we're seeing the twilight of higher education in the US. At least, non-private-college higher education - it's become a non-sustainable model; there are so many regulations that must be met and you have to have an admin for every regulation and admins are expensive. And students expect luxurious dorms and amenities. And everything else is becoming more expensive.

And I know, there are lots of people who think it would be awesome and wonderful if most, if not all, state supported universities folded. And fine, that's your opinion, but please don't snark at me like I'm the root of the problem of high tuition and please don't vent your glee over the fact....because it's also the fact that I may someday be unemployed.

We try HARD to be affordable. We actually got a mention on one of those "best colleges for xyz" list because of our affordability. We raised tuition this year, we had to, but that also led to a lot of student taking fewer classes, apparently.....so less credit hours, less tuition coming in.

We're going to have to make some big and scary budget changes this fall. Someone in a position of power, and I only heard this second hand but the person who told me didn't seem to think they were joking, commented, "I wonder what kind of pay cut the faculty would accept before they start leaving." (FWIW: I make about $65K a year IF I teach in the summer and I have 15 years of experience and am an overachiever in many areas of my work life)

I could accept a pay cut, but I admit it would make me think hard about whether it's time for some kind of Chapter 2 thing for my life, where I quit academia and......I don't know. Lots of people tell me stuff I'd be good at (Patent researcher, consultant, private tutor....) but some of those would take further training. And the private tutor thing, that's kind of like Uber for teachers and I don't want to close out my life being a "private contractor" constantly having to hustle for gigs because that is so antithetical to a lot of my personality that I'd be miserable.

Another academic job would be unlikely; most places these days are hiring only on an adjunct basis unless you are a SUPERSTAR and I think we have already established I am not a SUPERSTAR. And you can't live on adjunct wages, unless you work three jobs, and you don't get health insurance as an adjunct....

The really sad thing? I have great students this semester and am enjoying teaching. It's the out of class stuff, the bad news, the break-ins, that are really getting me down.

And yeah. There's a suspicion there's a second unauthorized person with a key.

And more: a colleague told me about one of our former students, someone I always thought of as a big success story, well, this person was just busted for some pretty unethical behavior at work. And while I know we had nothing to do with it - still, it hurts me in a way. This was someone who had been a favorite student back then and now my memories of them are all soured.

I'm also not getting as much done as I need to at work. I'm this close to scrubbing the weekend "fun" trip and going in and working (And taking a 2 x 4 with me for defense just in case there is a person in the building and they turn on me). If I can work like a jerk tomorrow and get the exams all typed and a bunch of research done, maybe I'll be okay, I don't know.

Part of it is there's just stupid stuff that nibbles away my attention - major, major problems with the Connect stuff today, and apparently it is messing up student scores on homeworks. And the diligent students who are doing what they should are getting messed over and they are sad and I am sad because I want this to be a good experience for them and it isn't. And I spend a LOT of time fighting the website and it makes me tired and angry.

And, as I said, I'm not knitting much. I don't know if it's just I'm pushing too hard at work and faffing too much on the internet at home, or if I've just lost my desire to knit. I was thinking about all my piles and piles of yarn today and said to myself, "You should just give away about 3/4 of it, you'll never knit it up, you're not knitting it up now." I don't know. (And if I do, I'm just going to find some big program, like one of those prisons where they do crochet as a sort of restorative/rehabilitation thing, or a kids' school, or something, and just box it up and send it there, instead of trying to deal with dribbling it out to a thousand different people.)

And it's hot. And my allergies are bad. And I just want to lie down on the floor and throw a little tantrum but that won't solve anything or even make me feel better.

Part of this is just deep and serious dismay as what I see as people everywhere behaving badly. And oh, I know people have always been such, but it seems like it's gotten uglier and nastier and people have started being less civil...there's just an incivility out there, it's as if there are some people who want to be cruel. And if they're not being cruel, they're being self-centered. (And I know I am self-centered some times, but I try very hard to be conscious enough of my behavior so that I am not cruel or even uncivil).

And I try. I try to help. I try to do things like straighten out the problems students are having with this confounded online system. I try to be helpful and friendly. But it feels so....inadequate? Like a drop in a giant ocean of ugliness so it's totally swallowed up.

I had to go to wal-mart for stuff for salad supper tonight (AAUW). Turns out they didn't have what I needed so I went with plan b which looks like I put zero effort in (cut up cheese and fruit) but I don't know, I couldn't figure out something else to do on such short notice.

And I had someone pull out in front of me (they did not have the right of way - ran a red light)  as I was driving and had to slam on the brakes. I swan, I will probably wind up buying the farm some day at the hands of an inattentive driver. The downside of that is that I will be dead and also that that's an incredibly stupid and banal way to die. The upside would be that my earthly problems would be over. But still, even with that....I don't want to buy the farm that way.