Too many people

There's a poem, from A.A. Milne's "Now We Are Six":

Solitude

I have a house where I go
   When there's too many people,
I have a house where I go
   Where no one can be;
I have a house where I go,
   Where nobody ever says "No";
Where no one says anything- so
   There is no one but me.

I think of that sometimes.  While the poem was written from the perspective of a child, who is either dreaming of having a house where he can go - or perhaps he's referring to a small playhouse like many well-off Edwardian children had in the backyard of their house - I can relate.

Of course, now the house where I can go is my own house (there are benefits to living alone).

Though I will say that means I am the one who says "No" to things, like "You know what? You should go to Braum's and get a big hot-fudge sundae" or "Yes, you have an 8 am class tomorrow and this movie lasts until 11:00, but it's one you've always wanted to see" or "It would be more fun to sit down and crochet than it would be to practice piano"

But yes on the "too many people." Yesterday was a too many people day. There was a grad-student thesis defense that lasted about three hours and although the student was successful and did a good job, still, being an examiner in those situations is tiring. ESPECIALLY when it's not your student (I was just a committeemember) and when it's a field slightly different from yours, because you (or at least I) have the added stress of, "Is this question I'm about to ask him totally idiotic and will he look at me with that Jackie Chan face meme expression to show me that I just said something idiotic?"

And then there was a meeting (the monthly board meeting) at church. And yes, we have some good news moving forward, but still.....soooooo tired. So not wanting to be there. (I can't skip. I'm on the board forever because I'm the Head Elder so I don't cycle off. And I can't easily or graciously give it up, because everyone else has got equal amounts of duties....) At one point it looked like we wouldn't get a quorum and I was kind of hoping for "table everything until August" but then we got a quorum.

But it takes me a long, long time to unwind from dealing with that many people in that close of a contact. It took me a while to calm down enough to go to sleep.

I also....I'm just feeling kind of tired and worn, like I usually do near the end of the semester (we have two weeks left in the summer). And I admit, I am wrestling with one of the things I regularly wrestle with, one of the contradictions I deal with in life:

My faith, my upbringing, my background tell me that the way to be happy is to be selfless. To work and to serve others. To put yourself last.

But then I get tired. I see everyone else, seemingly, getting their emotional or other needs met ("Who cheerleads the cheerleaders?"). I see people who are demanding and even rude getting what they want in life. And I feel....well, I made the comment on Twitter last night about "you're so very special, I wish I were special*" and that's kind of how I feel sometimes. Like I get pushed aside, or I tend to push aside things for others, and sometimes when I want or even need help I don't always get it. (And I don't often get the "cheerleading" I referred to. I know, as an adult one is supposed to cheerlead oneself but that gets *awfully* lonely sometimes).

(*Slight misquote - to avoid a Very Bad Word - of Radiohead)

And I don't know. I don't know how you balance it, the imperative to serve others and put yourself last without, well, always BEING the last and without getting to the end of the week just feeling totally used up. I don't know. Part of me says, "If you were less selfish you wouldn't feel this way" but I don't know how to begin to fight off the remaining selfishness.

Because I do sometimes feel "talked over" by other people. Or like I get forgotten a little bit. Or like I'm a "background pony" in my own life....