Tuesday, February 03, 2015

well, okay then

While I was driving over to have the blood drawn for my measles titer (they're going to call me to let me know the outcome), my Inner Applejack popped up and reminded me:

"The way other people act toward you, when they do that kind of stuff? It tells you more about who they are than who you are."

And yeah, that's true. I just need to remember that. But I wish people in general weren't so jerky/self-absorbed that they did stuff that discombobulated other people who are just trying to get through life.

(My "personal cheerleader" in my head sounds a little bit like Applejack. And I admit, I kind of like thinking of Applejack as being the one who always has a kind and wise word when somepony is hurting.)

And there's the old saying that when it comes to things like personal idiosyncrasies (which I have a lot of), the people who matter don't mind them, and the people who mind them don't matter.

I just wonder how I would be different as an adult if I hadn't spent a lot of my childhood feeling like I was sitting on the outside of friendships/cliques and looking in. Would I be more secure? Would I be better able to weather rejection (And therefore, braver about things like sending off manuscripts or going out socially and talking to people?)

But yeah, I confess, there were a few tears over lunch, but it was at home in my own dining room so you are the only ones who know.

(And the black-cat thing? Maybe it's because I recently started following @MYSADCAT on Twitter, which is pictures of cats - mostly black cats, I suppose that's the cat of the guy who does it - with funny captions like, "My cat is sad because my other cat has Meghan Trainor's All About That Bass as an earworm & sings it 60 times a day." So it's not that I'm horribly neglecting something important in my life or that I'm going to soon suffer some kind of loss (or am reliving a past loss), it's just stupid random stuff getting in my brain. And my brain sorting its "recycling" in a strange and distressing way)

1 comment:

purlewe said...

I think anxiety dreams are just that. your brain takes the things in it and uses it to show you the anxiety you haven't been faced with. So the cat images (which btw I find those hilarious with the my sad cat thing.) and they add your anxiety (Anything from your titer levels to something else) and give you crummy dreams. Houses falling apart, not being able to find someone, showing up to an exam unprepared, or late.. those are all anxiety dreams. So I guess finding out what you are anxious about and facing it, or meditation might help. Prayer is a lovely form of meditation I know you find comfort in. Maybe try that as you are laying down at night??