Why we can't...

As I said over on Twitter yesterday, "This is why we can't have nice things."

it's possible to anonymously mail someone feces. (NB: strong Anglo-Saxonism for excreta used over there). I think this falls under the "don't be a jerk to other people" clause of humanity. I try not to be a jerk. Sometimes I have to administer tough love, sometimes I have to tell the hard truths, but I try not to be a jerk while doing it. But I think mailing dung to someone, anonymously, seems pretty much "jerk behavior."

This bothers me for several reasons. First, it's USELESS as constructive criticism or as a tool to genuinely encourage someone to change their behavior. Apparently the note sent with it says, "You did something that offended or annoyed someone. Be a better person in the future." As I strive, in my day to day life, not to offend or annoy people, but sometimes do, because I'm a bit socially awkward, I DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I DID. If I say something problematic, I need the person to come to me and go, "You know that joke you made? It was kind of offensive to me." If they're honest and genuine (and not just jerking me around, which I've had happen - someone gets me going and all crazy apologizing and then goes, "Psych! I wasn't offended at all, that joke wasn't offensive" while here I've been questioning myself), I will apologize profusely and never make that joke or one like it again. Or if I used a word that's "bad," I will drop it. Being told to "be a better person in the future" would really sting (even if it's not entirely true of me; I don't think I'm a horrible person now) because (a) "How? What is it that I'm doing that I specifically need to change" and (b) I'm trying hard already to be a decent person but obviously failing at it.

However, that almost never happens to me, because, as I said, I try to be kind to people.

The other thing is, someone sending it as a "joke" - well, they better be pretty sure their recipient has a similar sense of humor. If this happened to me, especially when I was having a low-confidence day (unproductive human interactions, or class went badly, or I'm just extremely tired and feeling a bit sorry for myself), it would cause all kinds of awful emotional fallout. Even on a good day I wouldn't find it particularly funny. I spent too many of my formative years being the butt of others' jokes, or being excluded, or being treated like the material that is sent in these packages, to be able to do anything but do a weak "social" laugh in response to those kinds of jokes. ("Social" laugh - where you really are kind of hurt and troubled by the joke that was made, but you pretend to laugh anyway, because tearing into the person or starting to cry in front of them is the response they want.)

This is also why the anonymity is a problem. You wouldn't necessarily know who sent it, and so, you might go around changing a behavior that's NOT a problem, but still annoying someone with the behavior that IS. It seems awfully passive-aggressive to me to send someone an anonymous box of dung rather than going to them and trying to clear the air. And it also seems monumentally unproductive. (Though I suppose if you're just angry at someone, you could be blinded enough by your anger to think that this is a good idea). 


If I have a problem with someone, if someone says something that offends me, I take one of two paths: first, if it's someone I will never interact with again (e.g., anonymous internet troll, not that I have to deal with those very often), I just ignore it. Or I roll my eyes and tell myself, "You just have to deal with them; they have to live with themselves." On a bad day, yeah, I'll be kind of hurt, but I won't engage. Because it's not worth it, and usually rising to a troll's bait is exactly what they want, and therefore they win.

If it's someone I interact with on a regular basis that has offended me, and need to keep open channels of communication with, I will find a time when I can go talk to that person, just the two of us, and go, "You might not realize it, but that joke you made in front of the whole meeting at my expense? I didn't find it terribly funny and here is why...." I rarely have to do that but when I have, almost every time the person goes, "Oh, crud. I didn't mean that" and apologizes. (I recognize that just as I can be socially awkward and not realize what I said was hurtful, other people can be as well).

Actually, I guess there's a third group: people I may have to deal with in the future but don't regularly. Most of the time there I let the issue drop, partly because the couple people I know like that ARE slightly trollish and so my rising to their bait (other than with a very neutral and measured response, like "You don't know me quite as well as you think you do") is what they want. In those cases, I generally avoid the person as much as I reasonably can, and keep a tight fist wrapped around my emotions when I am dealing with them, because I do know one or two people who seem to enjoy pushing others' buttons. (Why? that's something I've always wondered).

As I also said on Twitter, I'm going to use my time, energy, and postage money to send stuff to people I LIKE. (And yes, I realize, the droppings are something you order; you don't need to go out and collect them or package them yourself, but still). I'd rather send a card to a friend who's going through a little bit of a rough patch and imagine that maybe the card will cheer them up a little. Or like I did last Christmas, send my extra blindbag ponies to random card recipients. Because I liked imagining the person getting the little bag in the mailbox, and going "What?" and then opening it and laughing. I'd rather send random stuff that makes people I like happy, than that makes people who have ticked me off more upset. (And anyway: sending poop to a troll? Probably won't do anything to un-troll them.)

(waving at Dustbury, who was in part the inspiration for this)

(Edited to add: because he linked to the original story I was commenting on. Yay social awkwardness, even on the blog!)