Gah, stupid brain

For some reason I seem to be excessively good at remembering dreams.

The first one I had last night that I remember, I had somehow been unwillingly coerced into copying information onto CD-ROMs for people, they claimed it was just video games (but even then, it would be pirating video games and was wrong). I think it was that they were physically threatening in some way. Anyway, after I made the CD-ROMs I realized it wasn't just video games, it was actual information (like people's credit card numbers) and I had been part of a fairly serious crime. All because I was afraid of getting beaten up.

The weird thing is it took several minutes after I woke up to realize - hey, wait, that was a dream, you didn't actually DO that; you don't have to worry about it.


The second one, right before I got up, was happier while it was happening but it's left me a little bit melancholy because I realized it was telling me something. I don't remember all the details but for some reason I had to learn to dance the waltz and other "traditional" dances (I really don't know how to dance; never learned. I would love to rectify that but every dance class I've seen advertised here was "partners only" and I don't know anyone willing to be a dance partner). Anyway, Danny Kaye (yes, that Danny Kaye, and I don't know why) was teaching me.

It was just nice. He was a pretty good teacher.

And after I woke up, the melancholy - I realized that that dream (and lots like it) tap into something I don't often get these days (especially not in the summers, it seems) - someone paying attention to me, where it's sort of "mutual" attention. Oh, people pay attention to me every day when I teach, but it, like the stuff I do at church, well, it's a duty. It's something I'm doing to earn my living or advance some other kind of agenda. It's been quite a while, really, since I just had a conversation with someone that didn't have the expectation that I was going to do something for them or that didn't involve work or some other kind of duty.

It's different having someone pay attention to you for reasons other than you are providing them some service.(Part of it is when I am teaching, I kind of have to smile and keep going even if I'm tired or something is making me sad or I'm annoyed at something - that sort of having to smile and swallow disappointment thing that is such a big and such a disappointing part of being an adult.)

(It's worse in summer because most of the colleagues I might converse with are off traveling or doing fieldwork, and teaching is intensive enough that those of us who teach are pretty much wrapped up with class stuff. Campus becomes very "functional" in the summer; people are really only here to do work and then they scram, there's nothing "social" going on).

I haven't been able to arrange meet-ups with friends (several of my friends live somewhat distant) because of time/schedule/money concerns. And it's hard to find new friends because it seems like everyone else I know or meet is either wrapped up with family or with boyfriend/husband (or girlfriend/wife). Or they work even longer crazier hours than I do. And I wind up feeling a little bit like the extra giraffe that showed up at the Ark just on the off chance....and finding out there was no room for an unpaired giraffe.