As much as I've tried to confine my whines to 140-character outbursts these days, I think I need to vent here.
This is just not a good week. I have a critical mass of students this year who either think they should be entitled to hand in late papers or who feel like there's no need to read instructions in lab or who have "stuff" happen, necessitating make-up exams and the like.
And you know? I'm tired. If all my students show up to class, I have a total of 125 total students. One hundred and twenty five people to deal with. If even ten percent of those need make up exams - and of course, they will be evenly distributed across the classes - I'm writing four separate make up exams. (That is, if I can get the make-up takers to take the exams all on the same day or if I figure they won't talk to the others).
I have had so many bizarre excuses as to why I should accept people's late papers it makes my head spin. And when I say no, I get frowny faces and rolled eyes and that little disapproving "tsch!" sound that some women make. And I know I'm over sensitive, but it just wears on me and eats at me.
On top of the usual cat-herding, I'm frantically trying to put together my promotion portfolio (and dangit, I was going to e-mail my other letter-of-recommendation writers this morning and forgot). And I have to find time to drive the hour's round trip to the Office Max* and buy the 3-ring binder and what-all I need. And write my presentation on plagiarism for OAS. And plan for a couple of fall sample dates of fieldwork. And try to work in an hour of piano practice.
(*yes, I COULD mail order it, except (a) my mail order juju is very bad right now - apparently a swap I thought I got hosed in, the package got lost, and also the Folio Books order I placed back in August is somewhere in limbo in its way to me, so I'd expect that an Office Max order would probably show up 2 days after the portfolio was due. and (b) Because of the strict requirements as to style of page protectors, tabbed dividers, &c., I really need to go and LOOK at them before I buy. (You think I'm joking? I wish I were joking.)
(And DAMMIT, I am NOT going to go the route I did in high school - decide I am too busy and give it up. Other people have spouses and kids, other people do stuff. I deserve to AT LEAST be able to play the piano)
I snapped at a student in class today. I feel really bad about it. He was one of my former soils guys, and since we were doing soils lab, he half-jokingly said, "Since we've already had this, may we be excused?"
And I'm sorry. I knew he was joking, but: given all the repetitive and futile seeming things I do in a day?
I remarked, "Don't start with me. You can choose; it's worth ten points."
Later, he came and apologized for being "offensive" (I suppose one of the benefits of normally being a fairly amicable person is that people realize when you're NOT that they've either crossed a line or you're already stressed out). I apologized too, and explained that I was just having a difficult day. So I hope it's cool.
And tonight, I have rough drafts of GIS papers to look over. So my plan is: get home by 3, if I at all can, do 20 minutes piano practice, read five papers, do 20 more minutes, wash my hair, read five more papers, eat dinner, read five more papers and...I think enough people flaked on doing a rough draft that I don't have more than 15 papers to read. But gah. I'm getting worn to a frazzle and that's not good this early in the semester.
I'm getting to the point again where I look at my yarn and my fabric and my books and despair, and think, "I should just give this all away. I'm never going to have the chance to enjoy using/reading it, and it just makes me sad to look at it." I don't know. I keep saying "someday I'll have the time" but it seems that every semester gets busier and worse.
How do people who are parents manage? Do they just not sleep? What? I guess I'm glad I never married, and that I don't especially pine for a boyfriend right now, because I wouldn't have the time to devote to a guy that he deserved. It's awful and it's sad and I don't know how to change it.
2 comments:
I'm sorry things look so bleak just now--this too shall pass. You sometimes seem to have a hard time giving yourself permission to enjoy life, instead seeing mainly obligations. I'm glad you're still liking your music. Congratulations on pursuing the promotion. When that's out of the way, maybe you can embark on other new pursuits.
A few observations on other things you said: I think many people who are parents let the stuff that's not so important slide in favor of the stuff that *is* important. Everything is not equally important, though I have a few friends who cannot accept this. As Katharine Hepburn said, "You cannot have it all." Today's young academic women often seem to think they can (and should), but don't forget the old song, "Something's Gotta Give." Prioritizing is a useful skill. Ideally, a spouse helps by shouldering some of the burden and not adding to it!
Well, *everyone* is way too busy, even parents (and dare I say it, even stay at home parents). It's just the way it is now. I agree with Anonymous, you let stuff slide and you know what? You realize what you let slide maybe isn't that important, anyway.
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