This is not going to be the usual kind of shiny happy post. Be forewarned.

One thing that gets to me from time to time is the fact that the way I live my life - that I never married and had children - is not the "typical" path women (or at least, women in my community) seem to take. And while the vast majority of the time I'm "OK with that*" and in fact realize that a lot of the things I do, I could NOT do if I had a husband and children to concern myself with, still, sometimes there's this feeling that people don't understand me on a very fundamental level because of it.

Last night, I made some comment at the meeting I was at - I think I quoted the old Judge Judy dictum about someone else's failure to plan not making a crisis for me - and one of the women looked at me, laughed, and said, "I can't wait for you to have kids" (Presumably because I'd change my opinion then).

And I suppose I should take it as a compliment that I must really not look nearly-40, because I think otherwise people would assume (as I have) that that ship has sailed.

But the thing is: I AM nearly 40. Even if I were to fall in love next week, get married the week after, and immediately "start trying," it is highly unlikely (and not just for reasons of age) that I'd have a kid. (Not that I even WANT one. I'd be copacetic with the falling-in-love and the getting-married-at-some-point if the right fella came along, but kids - just not something I think I could raise.)

And I was struck the moment she said it: do I immediately disabuse her of the notion, laugh and go "I turn forty in just over 2 weeks; I guess I'd better hurry"? or do I just smile weakly and laugh.

(Probably you all know me well enough to know which one I actually did).

But I have to admit, I get tired of that. Most of the time, as I said, I have no problem with the "following an atypical path" way that my life turned out. But you know, sometimes I just get tired. Tired of explaining to people WHY I never married and had kids (and yeah, I know, it's all kinds of rude for someone to even ask. But that kind of thing is sort of my reality). I just kind of shrug and laugh and deliver the truth as I see it: one part never-met-the-right guy, two parts was-probably-too-busy-with-career.

But yeah, I get really tired of explaining.

Especially this week, when I'm already tired. (I am OH SO TEMPTED to bail on the Quammen talk tonight and go home and read instead). And when other stuff is going on that's low-level upsetting to me (among other things: I have to hand back a test in my non-majors class that most of the students failed). And then there's the Tide of Pink and Flowery.

Which is another whole assumption thing that bugs me. Most of the "typical" valentine's day gifts are not things that would particularly charm me. Cut flowers - they die, and also with my allergies many of them are not enjoyable to me.

Candy is OK, though most of the "heart box" candy is frankly kind of cheaply made and is not that good. And there's SO MUCH of it. I'd rather have a couple of nice truffles from a gourmet counter, or maybe a really good chocolate bar, instead of one of the big plushy hearts full of over-sweet creams and caramels. (And some caramels, I can't eat any more: dental work.) Or for that matter - I really don't NEED to be eating candy; I'd probably be more thrilled to have someone call me up and say, "I'm going to make some hot soup that you like and bring it over to your office so you can have a nice hot lunch."

As for jewelry - the ads show all kinds of fancy diamond jewelry. Beyond the concerns I have about the treatment of the people who mine the diamonds (at least in some parts of the world), I have absolutely nowhere I would wear a fancy pendant or ring. I have two very nice pieces of jewelry - both gifts from family - that I almost never wear because they are too fancy for my everyday life. I'd be much more likely to wear - and in fact, to be charmed by - something a bit idiosyncratic and incorporating my interests - jewelry made out of old typewriter keys, for example, or something out of turquoise made by a Native American artist that was actually purchased FROM the artist at an art gallery.

I suppose what frustrates me about the ads is that their assumption is that "more" (in the sense of "more money spent") automatically equals "better." And that there's a one-size-fits-all gift out there. And just the whole idea that valentine's day is pretty much solely dedicated to romantic love, which, looking at it mostly from the outside, seems to be a giant minefield a lot of the time.

Anyway. I think I once said that I liked in better in grade school - where you took an afternoon off, and exchanged those silly pun-ny little valentines with your friends (and mmmmmmaaaayyyyybbbbbe saved the nicest one for the boy you had a little bit of a crush on) and you drank red Hi-C and ate a cupcake. (But maybe those days are gone, too - maybe parties have been banned as part of the Zero Tolerance for Fat Children move that seems to be crossing the nation. And I have to say I think that's misguided - a child is not going to become fat because they get a cupcake and a cup of sugary punch maybe three times a year; but we as a society seem very good at throwing simple draconian solutions at complex problems).

I don't know. I think of all the holidays the advertisers have done the best job of mucking this one up. At least with Christmas and Easter you can still go to church and be reminded of the actual reason you celebrate; with valentine's day there's really not much underneath it all. (Yeah, I know: St. Valentine. Is he still even part of the canon? And supposedly this was the day birds start pairing up for the spring - well, if, like me, you've read much about songbird mating behavior (or have a friend who is an ornithologist), songbirds are not exactly the greatest examples of marital fidelity either. (Honestly, seriously, true: it is like Peyton Place in a nest box). So that doesn't leave us with much.)

At any rate - everything including the tiredness I feel (I was out of the house until 9 last evening) are just coalescing into a pool of Blah.

(*the phrase, "Are you OK with that," while I know it is well-meant, is one of the phrases I have a pretty great dislike for. I had a friend who used to use it all the time. It bugs me, because in my worldview, if something happens that you do not like, there are two options: first, it is something you can change. So then you change it. Second, it is something you cannot change. So then, you have to accept it. There's no question of "being OK" with it or not - it has happened and you'd BEST figure out a way to "be OK" with it or else you're going to be miserable every time you think of it.)

Yeah, sorry, ranty. I get this way when I'm staring down several long days in a single week, including meetings where my getting home to actually relax is dependent upon the whims of someone who has a freer schedule than I do.