So.

I turn 40 on Friday.

As I said a couple months back, I've been saying it over and over in my head (and referring to myself occasionally as "fortyish" publicly). Didn't have the freakout over it that I said I was reserving the right to, though.

Part of me - the part that is still 11 or 16 or whatever - the part that still laughs at words like "sackbut" and "coxsackievirus" is kind of going "40? How the (bleep) did that happen?" but the rest of me is pretty OK with it. (Again, as much as I hate that phrase: what choice does one have but to be OK with it?)

A big part of it is, I think, I like myself better, as a person, now, than I did when I was in my 20s and such. I was awfully insecure in my 20s. I would obsess over stupid things, and not the fun kind of obsessing where you learn stuff - the kind of obsessing where you wind up staring at your eyebrows in the mirror every day and hating them or something like that.

I do think the aging process, if you're lucky, sort of burns away the more stupid parts of your personality and leaves the better parts behind. I'm still the same loyal person I was at 22. I still have the same quick wit and ability to make people laugh. I still have the same compassion (if anything, I am more compassionate now, because I am less self-absorbed). I think I'm more responsible than I was, but then again, I was never particularly a slouch in that area. But I'm less likely to give into fits of sobbing when things don't go my way (not that I ever did that, you know, publicly - I'd go home and weep and pound the kitchen table and wail about how it was Not Fair and how I Never Got What I Wanted or Deserved.) I'm more likely now, in the face of some disappointment, to shrug, go "Well, that stinks" and figure out what I need to do to fix it.

I suppose it's the self-absorption thing again - at 22, I did feel there were certain things I Deserved. Now, I don't feel that so much - oh, I understand injustice and would be angry (and would try to find some reasonable recourse) were a true injustice done to me (like, I don't know, my research lab being taken away and given to someone else, just because they're a shiny new prof who claims to have a bigger research program. But I don't see that happening, ever.) But there is also stuff that happens that's disappointing and feels wrong - but it's just kind of how the world works and you can go around being ANGRY about it all the time and feeling wronged, or you can look at it and shrug and figure everyone has to put up with this kind of junk sometime and it's not directed at you, personally.

And also to recognize that you have an awful lot of good stuff in your life that other people don't have, so on balance, you are still happier than you could be.

And on balance, there's a lot more good stuff than bad. I enjoy surprisingly good health; I suffer from two minor "chronic" sorts of problems (allergies are one) that are treatable with medication and will not shorten my lifespan any. Allergies are more an annoyance than a true health problem in my mind.

Though I tend not to talk much about it (because it's private to me), I do have a fairly deep faith that provides a sense of meaning and sustenance during life's darker times, and that serves as, if not exactly a goad, an encouragement to try to be a better person than I might otherwise be. And I think that faith has grown deeper over time. And it provides a sort of connectedness - I can't really explain it, but it's a feeling of being connected to something larger, and that's comforting, that no matter how much I may think I've screwed stuff up, there's something out there that's Larger than me and Better than me and my screw-ups don't matter as much.

I have a roof over my head; moreover, a roof I own outright, which is an unusual thing in this day and age.

I have enough money put aside that if that roof starts to leak - or my stove decides to shut down - or a faucet breaks - I can get it taken care of.

I have a job that is interesting and feels worthwhile and where I don't really daydream about doing something else. It has its frustrations like all jobs, but I suspect it has fewer than most.

Most people seem to like me. I'm not one of those sorts to have a whole bunch of super-close friends; I do tend to keep people at arm's length a bit. But I suspect that if I had some kind of life-emergency, I'd have people coming to my assistance. Perhaps even some people I'd never expect to.

I am not afraid of being alone. I think a lot of people wind up in unfortunate circumstances because they either can't stand to be alone, or they become convinced that being alone is the loser's way of living. And it really, truly, isn't.

I have hobbies that keep me occupied in my spare time, that are, in fact, so absorbing that my one wish, if I could have one, would be to have more spare time (on top of the time I spend at work and doing volunteer stuff) to devote to them.

I have a variety of skills, that, I suppose, if worse came to worse, I might be able to parlay into sustained survival if an asteroid hit the earth and we wound up in some kind of medieval barter economy. Knowing how to knit warm socks has its virtues.

I still laugh fairly easily at things (and yes, even words like "sackbut" can bring a giggle when I'm in the right mood). I do think being able to laugh - to, as Bugs Bunny said, "Don't take life so serious. You're not getting out of it alive anyway" is important. I think over-seriousness is one of the great banes of our times. Or rather, perhaps, seriousness about the wrong things. We seem, as a culture, all too good at brushing off the Important things, and giving the Not-Important things far more weight than they deserve.

So anyway. On balance I'm happy with where I am. I suppose turning 40 would occupy a bigger chunk of my mental real estate if I were the sort of person who based their value mainly on their youthful appearance, or on their "reproductive value," or their ability to attract a wealthy mate. Or if I bought into the idea (from some segments of society) that once a woman hits 25, she is no longer of interest.

Or if I were unhappy in my work, if I felt I was wasting my life (I still fall prey to that sometimes. I think the cure is starting a new research project because I find myself noticeably happier with the soil-critter search to look forward to), maybe 40 would be a bugbear.

But, by and large, I am more where I want to be than not.

And it looks like it should be a fun birthday. So far, no rumbles of Bad Meetings on the horizon (five years ago my birthday was co-opted by "you sit in a room, and we'll lecture at you for two hours about why you shouldn't teach by lecturing" academic "efficiencies" meetings (And may I say: thank God nothing ever really came of that whole process? Ideas were being floated right and left about things like having a "common" textbook for all ecology classes in the state, or requiring those of us at the meetings to write a lab manual which then other people would be able to use for free, no credit to us - the word "slipstreaming" was used, but it sounded more like "freeloading" to me).

I've already decided to take a Fun Day at McKinney. Even if all I do is buy fabric for a planned Mixtape Quilt* (I'm thinking either purples with golden yellow sashing, or pink with pale green, or maybe bright bright Moda prints with white) and get lunch somewhere, it will be a fun and worthwhile day.

And I have gifts to open! (some years, as an adult, I did not). I have the wrapped book from my aunt and uncle, and something from Amazon from my folks, and there is another package from them on the way. AND I have the swap-box from a swap I participated in in CPAaG, which I'm saving for the day. AND Friday afternoon, something arrived for me from Amazon, so I know not what that is. (And if you sent it, don't spoil the surprise).

So I'm thinking: Friday evening I will get something 'special' for dinner (either I'll do carry out from the good tex-mex place here in town, or I might go to the meat market and buy a really good steak and cook it up), and I'll open my presents, and then Saturday have a fun day in McKinney. And it should be good.

(*The Mixtape Quilt pattern is for sale in that blogger's Etsy shop. And I will tell you - yes, it costs $10. But it is not merely a "pattern" - it is a 33 page booklet with instructions for three different varieties of the quilt in multiple sizes (crib, lap, twin, queen....) It looks like a tremendously fun pattern to do so I'm looking forward to it.)