The memorial service is Friday. I volunteered to either cook for or help at the Bereavement Dinner, I feel like it's the least I can do.

I do feel some better about it. I've come to the conclusion that if, in fact, she would not have been able to live on her own again, it was better that she went fast than that she spent months and months in the nursing home, in pain and (probably, if her back was broken) immobile. I know if it was me, and I was offered the chance to either drop dead of a heart attack while fixing my porch roof at 85, or make it to 87 but spend those last two years in a nursing home, I'd take the porch roof.

Also, it DOES seem like I've had a lot of losses lately - but then again, I went along for years without any, really. It sort of comforts me to think that...in an odd way it makes it better to realize that this is really just the normal stuff that happens to everyone but that for me it may be in a slightly more compressed time frame. (That said: I'm ready to be done again for a while, thanks so much.)

I also realized something about myself. In sad or bad situations I can be OK if I have something to do. I always assumed - when I was younger - that if something bad happened I'd probably fall apart and not be able to do anything. But in the situations where I have something to do, I've learned that I can manage to buck up and not cry...I knew I had to arrange for someone to give my exam, I had to call the other AAUW members to be sure they knew, I had to call the people on my branch of the Prayer Chain...and then call and volunteer my services for Bereavement Dinner.

It was only when I called my mom to let her know (she had known Dorothy slightly) that I actually gave in to crying.

I guess, had I been a young woman in London in 1941, I probably would have been one of the people rolling bandages or brewing tea in the blitz shelters. (In an odd way, it's kind of empowering to realize that the key to getting through a crisis for me is to keep moving and to do what I can to help people.)

****

Next week is my mid-fall break. I have gone through a whole series of thoughts about what to do during this time.

Back in July, when I was dealing with a difficult class, lonely and sort of sad (because nothing else was in operation BUT the classes), I felt like I wanted to go to Siloam Springs, or to somewhere in East Texas....get in the car, drive, find a hotel to stay in, just go away somewhere new and interesting for a few days.

Then, later on, when I started to get snowed under by this fall's work, I thought, "Maybe it would be better just to stay home...clean the house, get caught up on some of the projects I've been neglecting."

Then, when the "OH NOES THE ECONOMY IS IMPLODING" news came out, I started to twitch and think maybe it was better for me to stay home altogether, not spend any money, not burn any gas, gear myself up for triple-digit inflation. Or that maybe credit cards were going away (I don't like to drive any distance very much without a working credit card: what if the car breaks down? What if I need to unexpectedly buy gas?)

And then, still later, I got irritated and almost said, "I'm going to stay home, pull the shades, and unplug the phone for three days" because, unbeknownst to me, I got "volunteered" to do some rather unpleasant volunteer task, because "Oh, she's always willing to work." (Grr. Please at least have the courtesy to freakin' ASK first.). Then the day of the task got moved to (whee!) the day of the campus Homecoming, which means I have a built-in excuse.

So I briefly thought again of running off to somewhere like Hot Springs for a couple days.

But you know? I've changed my mind again. And I think I've settled it this time.

I'm going to do what I usually do. I'm going to go to Longview, go to Stitches N Stuff, go to Barron's (have to check to be sure they're still in business; they have a "our website will be back soon" notice up which could mean they're revamping it or it could mean something bad), go to the Michael's, go to the Books-a-Million. (I know, to people who live in more populous areas, this sounds very mundane. But I've not had time to even get to Sherman very often this fall so I'm sort of starved for a day when I can just go and be away from town). Maybe go to some clothing stores; I need to replace a couple of my long sleeved blouses that suffered various misadventures, from Death By Yellow Chalk Stains to Tragic Spill of Vital Stain.

Realistically, the only thing I could justify NEEDING are the new blouses, but I kind of NEED - in a psychological sense - a day away, a day to do what I please, a day when I'm basically unreachable by the people who "need" me.

And I also need that sense of tradition - yes, a lot of the things I do tend to be a little wheel turning in a little rut - but I tend to get so freaked out by the big bad things that happen in the world (and the more localized bad things that happen around me), that there's something deeply comforting about going back to a place I've been before, seeing that it hasn't changed all that much, doing things that still have the power to delight me. The mental image of myself driving down the highway in the bright October sunshine, headed for a day of roaming bookstores and oohing and ahhing over yarn and looking for little Christmas gifts and eating an indulgent lunch is one of the things keeping me going right now.