Happy Independence Day to all of us in America.
I'm not really doing anything - I don't quite feel up to fighting the crowds in the parking lot down at the semi-local casino to go to the fireworks show (that's the closest one to me, I guess). And I don't like buying and shooting off fireworks myself (though enough people in my neighborhood do).
And I really need to get some stuff done on the paper and presentation, so I'm in working.
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I guess I'll share part of why I Has a Sad - at the risk of looking a bit silly to those who do not have the experience of owning pets. One of my parents cats is failing. She's not eating well, she seems listless, the doctor can't find anything obviously wrong (though she is treating the cat for a possible infection). But this is a 19-year-old cat. A remarkably good and long run for a cat.
Intellectually, I know that. But emotionally - I got really attached to this cat when I lived with my folks during grad school.
(Dammit, I'm crying now.)
So I guess I've kind of given up on her still being there even the end of this month when I go up for a brief visit before my conference-going. And that's kind of hard to think about. (Dammit, why does stuff have to CHANGE? Why do people - and animals - I care about have to get old and sick and ultimately die?). I'm already mourning. (And dammit, this is how even when emotional, I am too rational sometimes: I was thinking, if you can get all your sad out this weekend, no matter what happens, at least you'll be more functional teaching next week.)
No, that's not all of that. As I mentioned, a couple people I care about (including part of my work-family) are facing surgery. And a lot of people I care about who are up in years are experiencing some of the typical things (and some atypical and unfortunate things) that people being up in years experience.
But it's funny - it's the cat that really gets me. That's sort of the nucleus around which all my Sad has congealed.
And I have to admit, with some embarrassment, this is part of the reason why I don't own a pet myself (the "never being home" excuse is just that: an excuse). I can't stand the thought of getting so attached to something and then waking up some morning and find that it has died during the night. Oh, I know, other people deal with that. And maybe having done it a few times, it gets easier.
But I do get very attached to animals. I suppose it's because they don't talk back and don't disappoint me in the ways that humans often do.
So I'm trying not to be too idle this weekend - because idleness, when I'm sad, brings a sort of paralysis - I don't really DO anything, I just kind of sit there and flip the radio on and off, or cycle through the television channels, or pick things up only to put them back down. And that's not good, because I risk getting stalled in that state.
7 comments:
I don't think it is silly at all to be upset about the cat (actually reading this blog post started to make me cry as well).
We have three cats and while they are all still fairly young (the oldest is 8 and the youngest we just got 2 weeks ago), I often worry about what I will do when we lose one of them.
Our white cat got out of the house while we were on vacation last year and we thought we had lost him forever. My husband and I both had chapped faces with all of the crying we did over that cat. We ended up catching him 10 days later, but it was one of the worst times ever.
Pets are our closest confidants in ways that people can never be. It's ever so hard to lose one.
As you know, we have lots of cats. I still cry over the ones that have died and so does Ken. We loved them and some of that sadness never goes away.
However, I would never let the fact that I know (or at least I hope) that I will outlive my beloved pets keep me from having them. They've given me unconditional love when my life was collapsing around me, hope when there was no real reason to hope, and constant amusement. When I've been so depressed that I could barely drag myself out of bed, the fact that the cats (or dogs, or both)needed to be fed gave me the impetus to get up and start my day.
I can't imagine my life with pets, although sometimes I can imagine it with fewer. Over the years I've lost many pets, some years too many. Our oldest cat will be 15 this month, and we have a small herd of cats that are about 10. I foresee some losses ahead. One of the best things about pets is that we can spare them pain, which while difficult, spares us as well.
In time, as with the people we love and lose, the pain mostly retreats and you remember the good times, the amusing or infuriating habits and the quirks. It's wonderful and painful, and I wouldn't miss it for anything.
I hope the cat hangs on until you can tell it good-by. I think that would help.
That doesn't sound one bit silly at all. There's something about animals and the different kind of attachment to them that makes losing them hard in a different way than losing people.
I agree, it is not silly to be sad about a pet. They are often such an important part of the family. I have had several friends whose cats have died recently, and I always start worrying about our cat, who is 11 years old. So, I understand.
I'm a volunteer with Animal Rescue Foundation in Tulsa and a LONG-time animal (including farm animals) friend and helper-outer. The night of July 4 a stray cat appeared out of nowhere around 10:30 PM when I took my 3 dogs out for their late walk--had to come right back in because of lingering fireworks; they were terrified. Anyway I could see that the cat was very ill. In the dark she looked very thin and was staggering as they do when poisoned. I did not go back outside that night--the dogs believe cats are lunchable items; the possibility of fleas or contagious disease was too high IMHO, etc.--lot of excuses. When I came out the next morning, the cat had made it up the street one more house, then died at the curb. I cried and I really think that's okay. The cat was probably a stray, certainly grossly underweight--maybe 5 pounds instead of 10, but it was a life, one of God's creatures.
Yes, you have to give away a piece of your heart to have an animal in your home, but I think it makes you a bigger person to do so. There is such a horrible problem of animal overpopulation here in OK due to lax uninforced laws re dogs primarily that anyone who can help by providing a home for a dog or cat or turtle helps everyone. If you want to have a dialog on this subject via personal email, I am up for it, and I promise I am not a rabid PETA vegetarian.
Nora
The years you do have with a pet are worth it.w
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