"So what have we learned so far?"
This month is my birthday month (39 on the 27th, if you MUST know), and I was thinking over the weekend - spurred on by this post by "une femme d'un certain age" about what I've learned over the year.
(warning for parents with kids who might read: there's a coarse word or two in that post).
So, at any rate: what would I tell my 20, or even my 30, year old self?
1. Don't take it personally. This is something I am STILL learning. I will probably STILL be learning it as I take my last breath. Sometimes when people show you rejection, it is not YOU they are rejecting - they are not in love with the idea you promoted, or they're cranky, or they've seen the same thing before (or they think they have) in another form and it messed with their head, or something.
2. And even when people reject YOU for YOU, it shouldn't matter. I had a friend who used to shrug and say, "if they don't like me, **** 'em." This is something I'm still learning as well - I have a terrible desperate need to be liked. I almost go into puppy-dog mode when I'm around someone new, I want them to like me so badly. I do not know if that's simply a part of my personality or if it was something forged at a young age, as a result of a lot of the teasing/perceived rejection I dealt with from my peers.
3. The only person's behavior you can control or change is your own. Once I figured this out, I got a lot more peace.
4. Exercise. Make it a part of your life. While I doubt I've lost much weight through the process, I do think it's made me healthier. And more resilient - I can deal with the slings and arrows of everyday life better somehow.
5. Sometimes it's better to let someone else try and fail than for you to continue to do the thing for them that they should be doing for themselves.
6. You cannot fix everything, nor should you try I used to have this hanging over my desk in grad school, to remind me that sometimes, it isn't really necessary for me to jump up from my desk at the first sign of someone in difficulty. There's a saying out there that goes something like, if you help a chick to hatch, it will die. I'm too good at wanting to (metaphorically) help chicks hatch.
7. You deserve time for yourself. Still working on this as well, but I've gotten better at either not offering to do things (when I get a strong sense someone's hinting they'd like me to take on their duties) or even saying "no" outright.
8. Sometimes getting a decent night's sleep is preferable to getting something completed, or completed perfectly
9. Life is messy and people are weird This is not a condemnation; it is an acceptance. And it is kind of freeing once you come to accept that. (and similarly: I am weird too, and that's okay.)
10. Everyone has some kind of a burden they are carrying. Everyone is messed up in some way. Even the people who look like they have it made (vide any of a number of celebutantes/pop singers out there). Knowing that inspires both increased compassion, and decreased jealousy.
11. Being grateful drives out a sense of self-entitlement. Stop and think of all the good stuff you have. Feel grateful for it. And that can help you realize that that one little thing you DON'T have, doesn't matter so much.
12. Everyone that you encounter in the course of a day, no matter how lowly they may seem, is a fellow human being and is deserving of some measure of respect. I think this is perhaps the most important thing to learn. The person checking you out at the Wal-Mart, the cranky old lady in front of you in line at the post office, the cop who pulls you over. They deserve respect not because you might get in trouble (as with the cop) but because they're people too. (And sometimes treating a cranky person with a little kindness can get them to be less cranky, I've found).
13. It may suck being single on Valentine's day, but there are a lot of things that suck worse (apologies for the slightly strong word but I think it fits here). In other words, when you feel sorry for yourself, think about the things that you do have that are good - or the bad things you've managed to avoid.
14. It's okay to find stupid stuff funny. You don't have to be highbrow all the time. People get tired of people who are too intellectual, who never let the facade slip and show the "real" them, the one who likes dumb jokes or Mel Brooks movies or silly cartoons.
So there's 14 things that might have made me happier if I had known them when I was younger.
2 comments:
Amen! I wish I had known all of that, too. -- and I think we are all continually working on many of them still.
i LOVE blazing saddles! low brow humor is the best (as opposed to bathroom humor, that's even lower, oy!)
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