Well, I came home yesterday afternoon, set the kitchen timer for 30 minutes, and sat down with a book of "Lenten Reflections" that I have.

And it almost killed me to sit still for 30 minutes and read essays - some of which are challenging and unsettling in their conclusions about human nature and society. Moreso because I arrived home at 4 pm and had to go back out at 5:30 for youth group.

So, I'm guessing it's not overly self-indulgent for me to sit my butt down first thing I get home from work and make myself contemplate - face up to stuff - for a half-hour. (It's also challenging as this is the week - more than most - that my brain is running around like a "drunken monkey," to use the Buddhist metaphor for our inability to focus and be in the "now."). I am also going to unplug my phone for that half-hour. (Another problem I have is being too willing to jump up and do what others want right then).

So I think my challenge for these 40 days is to be more in the now. To do things and not think about the other things I must be doing. To try to avoid letting what fragile concentration I retain be broken by things intruding upon it. I think I can start by setting times for myself: I will write on this exam until 9 am, after which I will prep for my 11 am class. I used to be better at doing that but I've let myself become easily distracted.

Youth group was SOME better; the kid who caused trouble last week had a "conference" with my co-leader and asked if he could come back if he made an effort to behave better. She said "of course" and so he was - and he did. And we made a point of letting him know we noticed his improved behavior - I think it's very true that he doesn't get enough attention (he's not a star student, not an athlete) and he may have learned that making trouble is the way to get noticed. (That's sad, isn't it? That there are people in our world who only have attention paid to them when they're being disruptive or unpleasant or rude?). Unfortunately two of the "bigger boys" whose attendance has been more spotty decided - once again - to run off between dinner and the lesson. (The problem is, partially, that they eat fast while the younger kids spend more time talking and dawdling and playing with their food. Getting separate teachers for the two groups is NOT an option - I've tried, I've really tried, the only tactic I haven't tried - and don't want to - is to threaten to quit if I don't get more help.). They ran off while most of the other older boys were helping clean up. One of the other older boys went off to try to find them but he came back frustrated. (All of the other kids were saying, "Oh, C. and J. just run around town all the time, their parents don't seem to care." So in a way it's less of a worry than if it were a kid whose mom was going to be right there at 7:30 to pick him up, and who would wonder where he was, but still, it's a worry.) And an annoyance: I am not running a free supper-club. I expect a little help in cleaning up after dinner. And the point of this thing is not to eat and scram, it's to eat and attend the lesson and have game-time with the other youth... So I don't know. Maybe it's not two steps forward two steps back, but it's two steps forward, one and one-half steps back.