I'm back.

Pictures will come at some point in the future. Right now I'm gearing up to start teaching again tomorrow. Most of that will be mental gearing-up at this point. I made the mistake of reading the evaluation comments a few minutes ago. Usually I get mostly favorable comments but this time, I don't know what went wrong. The general biology comments were mostly complaining about the amount of homework and demanding "more time" to complete assignments (I gave a week). They said there were too many homeworks. Well, a year ago, the students were asking for more homeworks as another way to earn points in the class. You can't win sometimes.

The ecology comments were generally okay but as usual, people complained about the amount of work. One person said that I had a hard time "dumbing down" (that was the phrase used) the material for the class level...when I first started teaching, the complaints were that I didn't respect their intelligence.

In soils, some of the comments were positive (although again, someone said the material needed to be "dumbed down" more) but a particular individual (I will never know who, and in a way that's sad, because now if I ever get a former soils student in another class of mine, I'll wonder if it was that person...) wrote numerous paragraphs. This person said they didn't see how I got tenure, that I "sucked" as a teacher, insinuated that the tenure committee was high when they voted on me - even though I recognize the ridiculousness and unprofessional tone of the complaint, it still hurts. It hurts a lot that someone would spend what I'm guessing was ten minutes to write that much vitriol about me. It's really, really hard for me NOT to believe I "suck" as a teacher...but I don't know what I'd do if I quit teaching. I don't know how to do anything else. So if I suck, I guess they're stuck with me, and if the tenure committee was tokin' up before they voted on me, I hope they do again when I come up for full professor.

I presume they were trying to get me fired. I can't believe that kind of attitude. I guess my feeling is, if you have a problem with a person, come and talk to them face-to-face. Don't let complaints fester and then hide behind anonymity to let loose. I think that's my major beef with the evaluation system - students can act like everything's going OK and then just tear into an instructor because they know there are no consequences.

This person also complained that I made "rude comments" when a lot of people skipped class. What, because I remarked that I didn't give bonus points for attendance? I'm scanning my memory now to try and figure out what I might have said that could have been so offensive...Really, you can't even make jokes, anymore, I guess.

I don't know. I guess the thing that frustrates me is that I don't get a chance to respond. I don't get a chance to do mid-course corrections because no one tells me stuff like this until the end of the semester. I could have done more homeworks from the textbook in biology if I knew that was what people wanted.

So I don't know. My own opinion of myself and my abilities is shaky enough that even a ridiculous, over-the-top, most-reasonable-people-would-totally-discount-it comment gets me teary and questioning my career choice. But as I said, I don't know what else I'd do - maybe I could take one of those research posts where you monitor equipment and send in readings and such, and live in a tiny cabin in Alaska or somewhere. I do know a lot of my unpopularity stems from the fact that I'm basically uncomfortable around people. I'm a big geek. I've always been a big geek. I don't know how to be cool. I'm not always comfortable relating to people.

So I don't know. I guess I'll do homeworks out of the book this summer and see how that works. It's a pity, really, because I have most of the homeworks I was going to use already prepared, and I also like the idea of exposing the students to a wide range of information, not just the pre-digested textbook.

The other thing that frustrates me is that I don't know how much of the comments to take to heart and how many to dismiss. I mean, isn't it GOOD for students to do reading outside the textbook? Isn't it GOOD for them to have challenging exams? I don't know. I guess I can continue in pattern - and be disliked and get bad comments - or I can expect far less than I do now and maybe be more popular.

I don't get it. There's someone in the department who has the reputation of being very tough and giving very challenging assignments, and yet he's the most popular guy here. I don't think it's just because he drinks beer with the students but that might be part of it.

I hate being unpopular. I hate not knowing what I have to do to get people to like me better.

Still, part of it is I know I had a frustrating and stressful semester - not that that should excuse poor teaching, but worrying about my father's health (I can say it now, because he's done with the treatments: he had prostate cancer), worrying about the health of some other people in my life, dealing with all the shit (sorry) that I got handed over the Christmas break - it did affect me and I think I was less cheerful and resilient than I sometimes am. So I don't know. (I say that a lot, I guess). I suppose the only thing I can do is gear up for tomorrow, walk in the door at 8 am ready to go, and try to make things better.

Well, I know this was a real downer for my first post back. I guess I'm still tired from travelling, and sort of shell-shocked and all from dealing with some changes. I was really hoping to have some nice comments to cheer me up and move me along. (Well, there were, but it's rarely the nice comments I remember).