I decided I couldn't put it off any longer.

I'm beginning work on the tenure packet this morning.

I have an example from someone who got tenure last year. I never thought of myself as a competitive person, but when I look at his stuff, all I see is < bleat >he's so much better than me < /bleat >.

I think I'm going to have to take this in very small doses. Intellectually, I know I am all right - after all, I would HOPE my department chair wouldn't be telling me I was in good stead for tenure if I wasn't (and if by some horrible fluke he was lying to me, I'm not sure I'd want to stay somewhere where people lied to me) - but I tend to feel like "if I'm not absolutely outstanding at something, why should I do it?"

but:

I haven't won any awards yet
My evaluations are good but not glowing
I haven't received an external grant (not that I haven't tried)
I don't teach as great a diversity of courses as he does
I've never been an officer in a scientific society

this is going to be a fall of worry and stress for me, I can already tell. I'm trying not to do the "what if" scenario of trying to find another job somewhere else (oh, God, in this economy and with the stigma of not having gotten tenure...I might have to leave academia altogether).