A Christmas poem

 This is by Longfellow. It's one of my favorites, and, this year, is kind of Big Mood, as the kids (at least used to) say. Yes, it was written during the Civil War (if I remember, Longfellow had a son grievously wounded while fighting in the Union Army.

It's been modified into a Christmas carol; there are various versions out there, some of them with not very good instrumentations. The verses are swapped around a bit and the one specifically referencing the war left out, but it still hits much the same. The last two stanzas in particular, though I admit this year I feel the penultimate one much more strongly than I do the last one.

Christmas Bells

HW Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
    And wild and sweet
    The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
    Had rolled along
    The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
    A voice, a chime,
    A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
    And with the sound
    The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
    And made forlorn
    The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
    "For hate is strong,
    And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
    The Wrong shall fail,
    The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."

EB White's Greeting

 This is an older one, apparently from 1952. EB White (yes, that EB White) published it in the New Yorker: EB White's Christmas Greeting

In it, he remembers the unremembered, the odd, the lonely, and even, what he jokingly labels "the despised" (he calls "intellectuals" as being in this group, things have not changed much I guess)

I've cut and pasted the whole thing here to save you clicking but you can of course if you wish. 

This piece definitely conjures up images.

 

E. B. White's Christmas -1952

 From this high midtown hall, undecked with boughs, unfortified
with mistletoe, we send forth our tinselled greetings as of
old, to friends, to readers, to strangers of many conditions
in many places.

Merry Christmas to uncertified accountants, to tellers who have
made a mistake in addition, to girls who have made a mistake in
judgment, to grounded airline passengers, and to all those who
can't eat clams! We greet with particular warmth people who
wake and smell smoke. To captains of river boats on snowy
mornings we send an answering toot at this holiday time.

Merry Christmas to intellectuals and other despised minorities!

Merry Christmas to the musicians of Muzak and men whose shoes
don't fit! Greetings of the season to unemployed actors and the
blacklisted everywhere who suffer for sins uncommitted; a holly
thorn in the thumb of compilers of lists!

Greetings to wives who can't find their glasses and to poets who
can't find their rhymes!

Merry Christmas to the unloved, the misunderstood, the overweight.
Joy to the authors of books whose titles begin with the word "How"
(as though they knew!). Greetings to people with a ringing in
their ears; greetings to growers of gourds, to shearers of sheep,
and to makers of change in the lonely underground booths!

Merry Christmas to old men asleep in libraries! Merry Christmas to
people who can't stay in the same room with a cat! We greet, too,
the boarders in boarding hoses on 25 December, the duennas in
Central Park in fair weather and foul, and young lovers who got
nothing in the mail.

Merry Christmas to people who plant trees in city streets; Merry
Christmas to people who save prairie chickens from extinction!
Greetings of a purely mechanical sort to machines that think--
plus a sprig of artificial holly. Joyous Yule to Cadillac owners
whose conduct is unworthy of their car!

Merry Christmas to the defeated, the forgotten, the inept; Joy
to all dandiprats and bunglers! We send, most particularly and
most hopefully, our greetings and our prayers  to soldiers and
guardsmen on land and sea and in the air-- the young men doing
the hardest things at the hardest time of life. To all such,
Merry Christmas, blessings, and good luck! We greet the
Secretaries-designate, the President-elect; Merry Christmas to our
new leaders, peace on earth, good will, and good management!

Merry Christmas to couples unhappy in doorways! Merry Christmas
to  all who think they are in love but aren't sure!

Greetings to people waiting for trains that will take them in the
wrong direction, to people doing up a bundle and the string is
too short, to children with sleds and no snow! We greet ministers
who can't think of a moral, gagmen who can't think of a joke.

Greetings, too, to the inhabitants of other planets; see you soon!

And last, we greet all skaters on small natural ponds at the edge
of woods toward the end of afternoon. Merry Christmas, skaters!
Ring, steel! Grow red, sky! Die down, wind!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good morrow!

 

Very Mall Christmas

 I know I posted at least one of these last year, but I kind of like them. They are very evocative to those of us who were kids in the 1970s who got dragged to the mall or Kmart with our parents:

this is the motherlode - 8 hours long, and as far as I've listened into it, no announcements or words.

There are the Kmart ones, too, but be aware some have old ads or announcements (there was a "Security to section 3!" announcement that's slightly uncanny if you're not expecting it. I guess Bart tried to abscond with a copy of Bonestorm...)

I dunno. I just kind of like these as background music. During exam week I swapped out the "lofi beats" I often listen to while grading for this. It's much the same thing - unobtrusive, in this case vaguely cheerful, no lyrics that will distract me, just kind of the aural equivalent of "snow" on an old tv - it covers up the silence or other noises without demanding your attention

I know when I was a kid, "easy listening" (as it was called back then) was much reviled and derided. It was geezer music! It was dumb and derivative!

but you know? secretly I kind of liked it. Again, for similar reasons - it was sort of an auditory blur that didn't demand attention but also covered up other noises or anxious thoughts. It occurs to me that the modern "lofi hip hop" is not that far different from it, really, just a slightly different style, and largely electronic rather than whatever instruments were used to produce the 70s "easy listening"

and yes, it does play a role - I find it helps when I'm anxious or when my head feels full of bees to have some friendly noise going to cover up some of the discomfort. And it is a companion when grading or doing some other repetitive task where you don't want to be distracted by lyrics. 

And I know why they used this in stores - it gets loud with a lot of people shuffling around, and cash registers making noise (as they would have, back then) but lyrics would add another layer of confusing noise. So sort of bland instrumentals is what works best, and they're out there on the Internet now for those of us Gen Xers feeling a little homeless or rootless these days....

No, thank you

 So I woke up around 1 am to use the bathroom, as one does*

(*if one is a postmenopausal woman who drinks water overnight to avoid drying out)

Leaving the bathroom the power flickered (I run an air filter over night and it beeps when it loses power) and flickered a couple more times, and then went off altogether.

I first worried - old house, could the wiring be going dodgy even though it was updated before I bought the place. So I went to the front door an peeked out to see if the streetlight was on. It wasn't, and the across-the-street neighbor's wired-in generator was running, so I knew it was an O G and E issue, and not just my house.

So I opened up the app, reported the outage. Went back to bed but didn't fall asleep right away. Checked it again later - they have a map showing outages and they post restoration times. It said 3 am. So, okay. I went back to bed.

Checked it later, around 3:30, when I woke up and realized from the silence that the power was still out.
So then I started to worry. My garage has a strange conformation - an earlier owner put up a wall with cabinets between the back door in and the main garage, meaning there's now no way to just walk into the garage and pull the release for the door opener - so you can manually raise and lower the door (I don't know if you can do it without releasing it. I wasn't strong enough once before, and I suppose forcing it could wreck the mechanism).

But I started to wonder - if the power's not back, what do I do? I can't possibly ask someone to drive me to the station; it's 2 1/2 hours one way, so a five hour round trip, and I'd have to get someone to drive me BACK in January. Uber is not a thing here and I don't like to think how much an Uber for that distance would cost. 

I realized I'd HAVE to get my car out somehow. There's a small gap between the top of the cabinets and the roof, at its peak I MIGHT be able to squeeze through. But I didn't want to try climbing up there by myself; I told myself if the power didn't come back on by 11 or so, I'd try calling Dana, and if she were free, I'd ask if she could bring a small ladder (she has a pickup) and "spot" me while I climbed it. The problem would be getting down on the other side - the garage is small and tight and there's no easy space to just drop down to the floor, and I think at the weight I am currently at, landing on the car's  hood would dent it badly, at the very least. Then I wondered if I could use something to hook the release cord and put enough downward force on it from that distance to pull it. Then I wondered if anyone I knew knew someone who was very small (but tall enough to grab the cord) and agile and we could boost them up and have them pull the cord. Or maybe I could just force the door from the outside and if I damage the mechanism, I get it fixed when I come back?

So I didn't really sleep. I also kept checking and eventually they changed "restoration time" to basically "lol we don't know" so that didn't help. 

It was also getting cold in the house; I have gas heat but it requires an electric starter. I got up and grabbed another blanket and tried to sleep 

Finally, a bit after 6 am, there was a text: restoration time updated, will be 8:30 am

Well, okay, if that's true, I can work with that.

I also realized I had to pee again, so I got up. As I was walking back to bed the air filter beeped again, and the heat kicked on

THANK YOU JESUS POWER CAME BACK TWO HOURS EARLY

So I got up and the FIRST thing I did was grab the garage door opener and go into my sewing room (closest to it) and hit the button so the door opened. On the grounds of "If we lose power again at least I'll be able to get out, and will at least be able to charge my phone off the car charger" (I had been using its flashlight function and was worried about running out of charge)

But I then got up, and put my phone on the charger. I had to  sit under a blanket for a while until it warmed up. I do still need to eat (and then put medications in my carry on) and dress (and then put my makeup and such in the carry on) but I'm essentially ready to go now. I do still want to vacuum a bit, which I can do BECAUSE THE POWER IS BACK ON NOW

Tuesday evening things

 * Got the last stuff finished up on campus. I'm going to try not to think about classes and especially the problems with having to be in three different buildings for them (because of the construction) come January.

* I also got packed save for things like my makeup and toothbrush and medications. I have a list so I won't forget anything. Also have a list of what I need to do (I plan to leave the kitchen tap on a very slow drip just in case we get exceptionally cold weather; the pipes are on a poorly insulated north wall)

* I got more done on my mom's socks. They won't be DONE before I get up there (especially because I need to at least do a little vacuuming here tomorrow before I leave, but they're getting close:

I think I have three more solid-color stripes before I start the heel. I'm trying to make them match as much as possible. I might work on them some tomorrow if I get the cleaning done, and I could work on them a bit on the train. And secretly up at my mom's house. 

* I also gathered up some projects. I did take the Bluey yarn (it's hard to find the right colors and it took me a while, so I don't want to leave it to chance at the Michael's up there) and I also wound off some new sockyarn

I sort of impulse-purchased a bunch of Simply Sock Yarn one day when I was both sad and thinking about "well maybe the tariffs will finally kill off the knitting hobby since much of the yarn is imported and it's already an expensive hobby if you want "special" yarn"

But also, the color name amused me.

Referencing, I guess, the burnt-up tree. (It's a terrible movie in some ways, full of mean humor and jokes that aged poorly, and yet, and yet, when you're not really feeling the hope-peace-joy-love of the Christian celebration of Christmas, it does make you laugh and maybe realize "well, mine isn't so bad after all")

It's actually kind of a pretty colorway, though

and here it is wound off, ready to be knit up into socks:

*but yeah, I am tired. I hope I can rest up over break and not think about what's coming in January..

Not quite done

 Today's main accomplishments were

- writing my syllabi for next semester

- finding the rooms I will be teaching in come spring when we are exiled out of the building (construction)

- doing the accumulated laundry so I can pack late tomorrow (a lot of stuff I dry by hanging it up, so it takes time)

The syllabi went okay but made me realize a couple of other complicating factors for next semester (like: in the tiny lab I'm using, where will people put their backpacks? I guess I open up the disused office where I'm storing stuff and tell them to leave them there)

Finding the rooms started out okay - one was in the chemistry building, there was a sign up indicating you needed to call the chair (with his office number posted) if you needed to get in. I know him a bit from having served on committees; he's a nice man. So he came down and let me in and showed me how the computer/projection set up in the room worked. He also noted that since it was an 8 am class, it would be a good idea for me to request a key because the rooms tend to be locked that early in the day. (So when I did get back to campus, I filled out the form and sent it to him, as he indicated. He must have gotten right on it because I got an e-mail from physical plant later on telling me the key was ready). Granted, they are going to have to share OUR building next year when theirs is being renovated, so there's a reason to be a good host, but....I think also he understands the disruption and unpleasantness and wants to make it as easy for us as he can.

Then I went to another building. It was unlocked, so I thought I could just find it on my own. No, I couldn't. Lots of buildings on campus have idiosyncratic numbering systems, and this one does too.

So I went and found the nearest departmental office, and opened the door. There were two women in there, one was the secretary, another was (I figured out later) a friend of hers. I smiled ingratiatingly and explained: "I'm one of the people who's going to be exiled from Biology come spring, and I was wondering if I could get a little help finding my room...." The secretary started to say "yes, of course" but her friend - being funny - said loudly "no, of course not"

Because I am who I am, I recoiled a bit and prepared to go try to find the room myself. 

And yeah, maybe don't joke like that with people you don't know? I mean, the secretary did show me the room (and leave me to figure out how to use the computer and projector). 

But the "joke" kind of rubbed me the wrong way and affected the rest of my day. I interpret that sort of thing as fundamentally hostile and it's just....weird to me. Maybe it's a dominance thing? Maybe I'm reading too much into it? But it did make me uncomfortable. 

And yes, I know, I'm "too sensitive" and I've gotten worse about that since the pandemic, where I seem to have fewer interactions each day, so a bad one looms larger. 

After that I was just tired, needed to eat, didn't want to go back and finish my syllabi without food. But I also know I had used up all the milk and had to go to a grocery. So I thought - do I go now and get even hungrier and grumpier, or do I go home and try to shift with what few things I have left (that's not in a can that would generate a lot of leftovers). So I went to one of the small local places that does a breakfast all day and had eggs and sausage (and I think something in the sausage disagreed with me slightly) and cinnamon french toast.

And then went back and finished the syllabi. Oh, I have to go back and do one last sweep of the labs that will be closed down come January to be sure I didn't forget anything, and I have to probably post the syllabi on my LMS. 

This afternoon and evening, I did the laundry; the last load is drying now.

Tomorrow I guess I pack (in addition to the other things) and try to grab a little time to knit more on my mom's socks. I may  well not have them finished, but oh well. 

At least we do have the pulpit filled for January, and likely most of February, so I don't have to make time to try to start a sermon.

first of two

 I finished the first of my mom's socks on Wednesday. I've begun the second but it's going to be iffy if I get it done before I leave or if I have to try to secretly finish it up there

the color is "Kingfisher" from West Yorkshire Spinners.

***

My grades are in. Some of the students are unhappy; I had to field e-mails all day. I tell them and tell them, in the intro class, that the time to come in is after the second exam where one's grade is low. But no one believes me, or perhaps they think "I can still bring my grade up," and then the final hits and they earn a D and it's a big problem. 

I've been polite but I especially dislike the ones that add on trying to tell me how to do my job. 

Tomorrow is graduation. Again I feel kind of flattened. I'm going to go (unless it's absolutely pouring, I still can't walk fast and I don't want to get drenched).  

I still have to write three syllabi for next semester and check to be sure that everything I need is out of the lab.

An era's end

 Well, sort of.

This afternoon I carried the last bits of "my" equipment out of the teaching lab. Some of it went into the temporary homes (one, an empty office where my ecology field gear is stored; another, the soils stuff moved either to my research lab, where I will attempt to teach the class (and overflow in another disused research lab). The rest went to a storage building down the hill from us. So I moved the bulk density sampler and the light-banks and some other things I rarely use down there, and transported a big bag of Perlite for a colleague who wants to use it in the future, but not this coming semester.

I'm surprised how sad I feel to see the empty lab - everything down off the walls (all the posters of plant anatomy and prairie types and the bulletin board. And all the equipment gone.

I mean, it's for a good reason - the renovations, which we've been told will start sooner if we have everything out before January (which feels to me like a polite fiction we're being told; construction never starts on time, no matter what). But next semester isn't going to be fun - we're going to be scattered around campus and I probably won't SEE any of my colleagues. it will be almost like 2020 again, except we will see students in person. 

I'm sure part of it is that I'm extremely tired; these last few weeks have been a lot, between all the grading (I was literally involved from 8 am to 6 pm yesterday with giving or grading exams, then had a meeting at church that went until 8 pm), and the minister leaving (and me finding out SURPRISE I am on the search committee! On top of being on two job search committees at work!). And i think the periodic flare-ups of knee pain (transporting a loaded cart down a steepish incline is not good for it) isn't helping; I had to apologize to a colleague yesterday after I snapped at him on Tuesday for something that wasn't his fault, but I was having a bad pain day.

I don't know. I hope this is all worth it. I hope the renovations are on time and are done by May as they've said. I hope things look a lot nicer and newer after them. 

I need to get home and do at least a short workout, and tomorrow I have three (3!) job-candidate interviews (for a university position. We have one packet for a possible ministerial candidate, but we're not ready to start that just yet). Saturday is graduation. 

At least my Monday and Tuesday may be a bit freed up. I have not had time to get to the little gourmet shop to look for a FEW Christmas cards (I am not sending out many this year, just don't have the energy or time) and some stocking stuffer gifts for my mom. Failing that I could probably take the car one day I'm up there and go to the walgreen's near her and find things. 

But yeah, just lots of weird and complicated and sad/nostalgic feelings, especially now as the bottom of the year approaches.

New little thing

 Strawberry Shortcake was a toy/greeting card line that came out in the very early 80s.

I was (or so I thought) too old for them (I was like 12) but I thought the dolls were cute. I did buy one of the OG Strawberry Shortcakes but I don't think I bought any other ones new.. (Maybe my Angel Cake was bought new, on clearance, some years later, once I was collecting dolls?)

Anyway, as I said: that was one of the things that, had it been around when I was a real kid, I would have wanted every doll in the line. In the 70s, when I was a kid, there were few "little girl" dolls - there was Barbie, who was kind of boring to me because I didn't care that much about clothes as a kid, and also it was the Malibu Barbie era where it was mostly "swimsuit" dolls, which doesn't work for a landlocked girl in snow country. And there were baby dolls, but having my own little brother, I knew babies were loud and messy and tended to require a great deal of attention, and so they didn't interest me.

But dolls representing girls my own age, or "fantasy" dolls, might have appealed. And Strawberry Shortcake was kind of both.

Over the years, they've tried "rebooting" her - the originals were very cutesy, sort of Raggedy Ann style, with little-girl dresses more like what a little girl in the 1920s or 30s would have worn. In the reboots, they were made more modern and some of the "fantasy" aspect (including "fighting bad guys") was downplayed - there was a version roughly contemporaneous with the G4 My Little Ponies cartoon where the main conflicts were the sort of minor interpersonal conflicts (like: misunderstanding what someone said, or feeling miffed at being "not invited" to a party where your invitation got lost in the mail) were the "enemies" to be fought. It was a blandish cartoon, and I guess the doll line didn't do that great. And I guess there was another reboot or two, one that made them more tweenish than little-kid. 

But I guess Gen-X nostalgia dollars are strong, and so periodically some company makes reproductions of the originals (most recently, "The Loyal Subjects," which I can tell whether or not it's a successor company to Basic Fun,, which did an earlier line of these - the originals were by Kenner, which is long-gone).

I have the main dolls - Strawberry, and Huckleberry Pie, and Orange Blossom (a Black doll, but she only really differs in skin tone; they all have the same mold). 

Then I heard they were coming out with Plum Pudding, who is an interesting character - in the original version, the character was a boy (and I JUST remember that from the old, old cartoon in the 80s) and then later resurfaced as a girl. 

(No, this being the 80s, it was not an attempt to sneak in a transgender character, though I suppose for good or ill some people who know that fact might "headcanon" it - for good, people saying "good for her!" and the like, for ill, some complaining about "indoctrination" or somesuch. Really it was just an unsuccessful character done away with and a new one created under the same name)

Anyway, the doll also wears glasses, which I like, as a glasses-wearer. So I ordered one:

Unlike the old ones, these are more poseable, with elbow and knee and wrist and I think ankle joints. But. The elbow joints pop-out easily (I had to push one lower arm back in) so I don't think I'll be moving her limbs that much. She comes with a little friend - Elderberry Owl (I had to look it up) and a comb, and a lunchbox and composition book (the old ones didn't have the lunchbox or book)

I really need to get a shelf and put it up for some of these small dolls I have scattered around, so I can keep them together and see them more regularly than having them boxed up or tucked away somewhere.

what I want

 This is the eternal Christmas problem.

My mom asked me what I wanted. What do I want for Christmas? I don't know. It's not a case of being struck dumb in front of Santa like Ralphie Parker was and spluttering out "a....football?" (when he really wanted a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time). 

It's that the things I *really* want right now? You can't buy them in any store.

I would like more of a feeling of peace in the world. Yes, the Assadists are out (and good riddance to a dictatorship that's lasted almost as long as I've been alive, and I got to see statues of a Baathist dictator pulled down for the second time in my adult life) but what comes after him may not be any better. And Ukraine is still under serious threat, and Putin may feel empowered to grab more land. And there are other small-brushfire (at least in how they're reported; they're big conflicts to those living in the middle of them) conflicts around the world. And little peace in my own country between political factions, and a promise of an ugly tit-for-tat in politics in the near future.

I would like to feel more strongly the love of people who do love me. I get that this is very much a "me problem," but I do find more and more, I need to be - as in the good old phrase that I first saw on Tumblr - "loved more loudly" because if i get in a low mood (or even if I haven't eaten nutritious food in too many hours), it's hard for me to believe in love as a possibility. 

And selfishly, yes: I would like some kind of "more exclusive" love, where I'm not a friend-on-the-fringes for someone who has a big family who *understandably* gets priority over me. I would either like to be someone's "main" friend, or, while I'm wishing, his "main squeeze." 

And since I'm rolling through the Advent theme - yes, I need more hope in my life. I need to be able to look at the future and say "good things are coming" and not, as I often feel, "You've already experienced all the good you've been allotted in your lifetime; the future looks gray at best." Even LITTLE things, like us maybe getting some more fun LOCAL places to go and to be without having to drive an hour or more. I FEEL the smallness of my town these days.

And a larger hope for the future - that what are presumably the last years (I can retire in 2029) of my career will be more successful (in terms of research and feeling like I am a good teacher) than the past couple years have been. And that I can find some kind of interesting employment - either paid or volunteer - in my retirement, so I have a reason to get out of bed. (But grinding endlessly at four classes per semester, even if the money is good? That's a younger person's game). 

And a larger hope in the sense that some how we wake up as a society and start striving to be kinder and more considerate of those around us, and make efforts to help those who need - I see homeless people every day now; we don't have a proper facility in town to help them, there seems to be little funding and no will. If I wanted to help, I don't even know where I could show up to volunteer or send money; there was a shelter in the planning stages before the pandemic but that's evaporated. And I'm just one person without training - the best I could do was give money to a trustworthy group with people who DO know, or to do things like help serve up dinners. I can't do career or substance-abuse counseling, I can't figure out how to find housing for people. 

And then, finally: joy. That's probably the first of the four I struggled with; as I've said before I am not a naturally joyful person - too serious, too inclined to take things personally/to see things as evidence of a failing in me. I suspect also not being part of a big regular group affects this; I see friends online who have gaming groups or similar* seem to have the joy of getting together to play DnD or other games. I'm not really good at "playing" any more, and I think I let being very busy at work steal my volition to even do simple things. 

***

And yes, I know: like everything, I probably need to ratchet down my expectations. I mean, I would be happy to receive a nice skein of sockyarn. Or a box of some kind of good loose tea. Or maybe another pair of Birkenstocks in one of the couple of styles that work best for my feet. 

But I think one of the curses, if you can call it that, of adulthood where you make enough money to cover your basic needs and some of your wants is that.....there's not really anything tangible you could get as a gift that would give you that over the moon joy of getting a dollhouse when you're eight, or a really detailed train set when you're 10 or 12, or whatever toy you wanted most as a child. I see ads showing adults getting excited over jewelry or cars, but that's not me. 

(Maybe I WOULD get excited over *reliable* logistic assistance in arranging for some further renovations, and things like replacing some of the old lamps I have with better ones. But that's less buying the things than a combination of having a good reliable source for high-quality things that won't break in six months and having someone to help me make the arrangements to, for example, finally get a new dishwasher).

The Christmas party

 Tonight was the AAUW Christmas party. Small group this year; a couple people were out of town for different things and I think a couple people don't go out after dark (driving) any more. For me, it's easy enough; we hold it at my church which is just blocks from me.

I made the raspberry sweet-and-sour turkey meatballs again. I do those every year but they're good, everyone likes them, and they're not difficult to make. And that way even if everyone else brings cookies there's at least one nutritious food. 

This year, though, there was lots of good stuff - cheese, and sausage balls, and dips for crackers, and fruit, and deviled eggs. 

We also do a gift exchange; that's what I made the mitts I posted a picture of yesterday for. The person who got them is someone who will appreciate them and who is a particular friend of mine in the group - a retired Presbyterian minister who is a very interesting person.

I got skunked a little bit on the gifts, though - at first I got a bath set of eucalyptus and spearmint things - body wash, and lotion and foot soak and I was fairly excited for that. But we play "dirty Santa," so things can get stolen.

And mine did. I can't begrudge the woman who did it too much; she is dealing with long COVID and has lost most of her sense of smell and taste and when she smelled the "scratch and sniff to get an idea of the scent" patch on the box, she said "I CAN SMELL THIS" (her sense of smell is slowly returning), so I guess if she's happy, I'm happy.

The second gift I chose though, womp womp - fancy paper plates for entertaining, and napkins, and some round placemat sort of things. I don't entertain, and I don't like using paper plates. I left them in the car to not have to carry them back in the house; I am considering calling the church secretary and see if the women's group could use them as a donation for our Monday night dinner party. Or I'll just leave them in the supply closet there and they might get used eventually.

I'm telling myself not to be disappointed but am failing a tiny bit at it. It was my choice to take a pig in a poke (and open a new gift) rather than steal someone else's - there was a nice candle, but the person who got it (our newest member and a graduate student) was SO excited to get it, and there was a fancy pillow with nutcrackers embroidered on it but I'd only use that one month out of the year and then have to store it, so...the other gifts were not things I'd really want. 

I might just tell myself if I can get out tomorrow afternoon after my meeting to go to the little gourmet shop to look for stocking stuffer things for my mom, if I see something nice I want, I'll get it. (I don't know IF I will be able to get out anywhere else - almost every day of next week is taken up because we have to have zoom meetings like EVERY day next week, and I will have four exams to grade, and all the stuff to move that I need for labs next semester and I am VERY tired. (And this Saturday is zoom knitting, and I want to try to finish my mom's socks, and next Saturday is graduation, and in among all that I will probably have to write a sermon and do some planning for Jan.12 when I get back and....)

So yeah. I do feel a little sad and a little cheated though mainly right now about how busy my life is and how thankless so many of my tasks are and realizing this is just being an adult? No fun, no nice surprises, gifts that you have to say 'thank you' for even if it's not something you want, and doing lots of work you never really hear any thanks for. 

that said? there's not really anything specific I could point to that I want; my mom asked me for gift ideas for Christmas and I kind of flailed. Which I know means to be prepared for nothing that really excites me, but again: I guess this is actually adulthood. I mean, I can think of books I might want and I always like stuffed animals even though I have too many and I like yarn and fun sweatshirts and nice tea but....oh well. 

And no, there really is nowhere else in town I could go to look for some nice small replacement gift for myself unless there's something at the gourmet shop. We are so very small. (If I had time, I'd totally go to Denison, but I expect I won't have time.)

So merry melancholy Christmas, a little bit. I'm hoping I'll feel happier after I get up to my mom's and get a couple nights better sleep in me...

and some relief

  - the meeting was tonight. The reason was as I expected "health of my wife" and I am taking it at face value. So it's a sad reason but not a terrible one (not, like "there's some scandal" or "you people are so fractious you are driving us away"). No talk of us folding, yet. A couple tasks the minister done are on their way to be covering. I will fill the pulpit some, it sounds like, but they're going to look for an interim and lean on some retired ministers that people know. 

Anyway, doing a sermon for the second week of January is a thought for next week; this week there was a lot of grading and I'm tired.

- I did get most of the grading done. I have some short papers from my most-advanced class to do tomorrow before I give an exam in my beginner class. 

- Tomorrow is also the AAUW party; I rushed home as soon as the ecology presentations got done today to wash my hair (it needed it, and I'll be out all evening tomorrow) and made the meatballs I usually make, and while they cooked (before putting them in the sauce in the slow-cooker pot, to be cooked the rest of the way tomorrow after a rest in the fridge) I sewed up the side seams on the gift mitts:

I also made a quick Walgreen's run and got a gift bag and tissue, so that's ready to go. I also have a "Toob" of "zoo babies" (little plastic animals) for the "bring a toy $10 or under for Toys for Tots." Well, the toob was a little more than that but I had a coupon at Michael's so I am counting it as being under $10.

I feel considerably better having those things ready to go. I just had too many forks stuck in me today with worrying about the meeting and thinking about "how will I get things ready for Thursday evening with a 2 pm Thursday meeting?" but I managed to do it. 

- And yes, I do feel better that the outcome of the meeting wasn't "time for us to dissolve" but "okay we can figure out a way forward for now"

- I also ordered my brother and sister-in-law's Christmas present - an "antipasto kit" and spaghetti dinner gift basket and some pizza seasonings from Stonewall Kitchen. (Their website is a little hard to use, at least, it was VERY laggy, but they're a place whose products I trust and I didn't want to order from some unknown to me site where either the stuff isn't good, or where it actually never comes)

For my mom, I'm going to order those pouches of shelf-stable salmon she likes from Seabear and maybe also some jam or something similar from somewhere. And I am working on her socks. 

But at least now it kind of feels like I'll make it. And two weeks from now, I'll be on a northbound train for a couple weeks off....

Tuesday evening things

 This is going to be a hellish week. It's already been stressful:

- minister handing in his resignation, effective apparently Jan. 1

- as a result, a meeting tomorrow evening to work through what we need to do. I hope this doesn't mean closing down but it might. I think if that's the case I'll try the Presbyterian church here first to see if I fit in, and if that doesn't work, the Methodists, and then the Episcopalians, and if none of those work, well, I don't know. Most of the other churches seem more fundamentalist than what I could be comfortable at.

I really hope it doesn't come to it

- huge pile of grading today, one paper has a distinct whiff of AI generation, and when I checked the resources I couldn't find evidence of the existence of two of them. But there's no way to PROVE it, not like the old "copy and paste from a website" thing, so I just relied on the fact that the student did not fulfill the guidelines of the assignment, and didn't actually DO the research project (it was just a review paper) and as a result, it earned a 50%. 

I got an aggrieved e-mail later in the day asking how I could possibly have graded it so low but I pointed out the failings in it and reminded them I had a guideline for the project up, and they skipped about half the things on the sheet. 

I don't know if it'll go farther than that; a colleague DID accuse a student of using Chat GPT (with some fairly good evidence) last year and they grieved the grade and reported her to administration and it was a nightmare. 

I HATE ChatGPT and other AIs when they're used for things like this, we have minimal defenses against it and in fact some faculty have capitulated and told students it's okay to use it.

But it's NOT writing! It's letting a computer regurgitate stuff, and the regurgitate is unpleasant to read and contains very little information relative to the wordiness. 

I hope there are some safeguards soon or this kind of word salad may just be my last few years of teaching (until I retire early in disgust)

- Spent some time this afternoon moving some of my soils lab stuff but there's so much more to be done, and I have to ask Physical plant to remove some old broken sliding doors off the too-tall cabinets in the room where I'll have to teach the lab when the rest of the building is inaccessible and I feel like we aren't being given enough help in this. Some of my colleagues have dragooned the TAs into doing it but I didn't have a TA this fall (don't need it for ecology) and so I'm doing it all by myself, fitting it in around when I'm doing my other things.

 it was 5:30 when I got home today

- Thursday a meeting to start planning to hire a replacement for the retiring microbiologist, and Thursday night is AAUW (and I have to find time to do the little bit of sewing on the mitts, and also make the meatballs I bought all the stuff for this weekend before everything blew up)

- Friday a Zoom with a job candidate for the other open position. 

So I'm going to be really exhausted the end of this week. And I was already kind of peopled out after Thanksgiving. And of course the resignation was a surprised to me so I'm still kind of reeling from that and apprehensive about the future. 

 

At least:

- I changed the sheets on my bed

- The new printer I ordered (the one I had had broken back in 2021 and while I don't print a lot, and had printed even personal things over at school (fewer than 10 pages a month), I decided IF I wind up filling in as a sort of interim, I may have to print the sermons I write, and I may need to do them on short notice if I decide to change something. So I spent some time setting it up but it went easily enough; no more fussing with having to type in the passkey for my router, the computer somehow sends that information to the printer automatically. 

This also means if I want a knitting pattern I don't have to read it off a screen; I really prefer reading them off a paper and then having the paper to carry with me. 

 - Also, I brought a little gift for Darwin (the new little departmental cat) back with me. I had bought a mixed bag of cat toys (we give Christmas gifts to my brother's pets) and I saved out one of those foil crinkle balls for him, figuring it was lightweight (he is still very small) and unlikely to break if someone treads on it. And because it has orange on it, like him

I think he appreciated it.

 

I do have to order my mom's Christmas presents (some salmon from SeaBear and I MIGHT find something somewhere else, like from King Arthur. And I have to find a place with good but not too expensive "Italian dinner boxes" (or similar) to send as a gift to my brother and sister-in-law. I suppose since I'm buying one gift for both I can go up to $100 as I usually spend about $50 a person. 

I wish I had more free time; the time leading up to Christmas is the best time and it feels like this year I'm too busy to enjoy it. 

a quick thing

 Today was a big grading day; I just got done after working most of the afternoon and into the evening (taking a break to eat dinner and to shower). 

Also got some bad news yesterday that I'm still digesting. No, it's nothing with my biological family, no, it's not a health concern of mine. But it's something unhappy and it means a big change and upheaval on very short notice and maybe me having to go out and try to find a new group of people....and I just don't have the energy for it right now. 

there's going to be a meeting tomorrow, I may know more then. I'm just tired though and tired of what is or what seems like bad news. 

I didn't get as much knitting done over Thanksgiving as I had hoped but I did manage to secretly work some on the socks for my mom:

I don't know why the colors look so different. I had a phone update last night and it seems like it lights differently in pictures now or something. The second photo is more true color. 

Anyway, hoping to find the happy at some point. This is the first week of Advent, "Hope," and right now it feels a little like hope is kind of thin on the ground. Or at least earthly hope? but it is difficult to keep showing up to work every day when it feels like a cold wind is blowing through your chest and you wonder what shock is coming next.

Back home again

 It got a lot busier once my brother and his family arrived.

And I'll note, it's hard being the only unmarried kid; you get talked over, your opinions matter much less, if you want a particular food item you better grab it FAST. 

Also the other relatives kept up the tradition of giving a musical instrument my niece didn't really know how to play; it was a kalimba this time, which is at least better than the recorder of a couple years ago, but between that, and my brother making the dog "talk" and everything else, it was a LOT. I don't deal well with noise and especially noise I don't control 

And the trip back was hectic. Apparently Amtrak put another sleeper and a couple more coaches on at the last moment, but no additional staff, so even two hours or so into the trip some of the staff were pretty cranky. I couldn't find my sleeper (it was on the rear) and got yelled at by the front sleeper person (Well, I have the added complication of not being able to RUN if I had to run to get to the rear sleeper). My car attendant WAS good, she offered to bring my dinner because I was supposed to get it earlier than if I waited on a reservation (again: two other full sleepers, and the Chicago people got priority at choosing times). So she took my order.

And I waited

and waited

and waited. 

When she came through an hour and twenty minutes later, I asked her, the response was "They're really busy, it should be in now"

Finally, at the two hour mark, I walked down there and politely asked. Got a slightly short response, but then wast told to wait, and finally someone slammed a to go bag down on the table next to where I was standing. So I got my dinner.

It wasn't great; the "flex meals" those of us on the neglected eastern leg of the Texas Eagle are getting progressively worse. I got what was alleged to be "butter chicken" but wasn't good, and also, eating it at like 7:30 pm is not great given the spices in it. 

(Breakfast similarly took a long time, though I went down to the diner for it. Was given "our ovens are malfunctioning" as an explanation. Maybe that should have been told to us up front, so we might have been able to choose the yogurt-and-muffin option instead?)

Anyway. At least I'm home, and trying to push through a little hangover grading I couldn't get to before break. 

There were some nice things; I got to see what was probably the St. Louis version of the "Polar Express experience" (a lit-up engine and a bunch of old diner cars; it's like a dinner trip for kids and their parents)

I don't know if that video will work, blogger is being a butt about it right now

And there was a nice view of the Arch from the train:

I didn't see a LOT of Christmas lights; maybe people are either putting them out later now, or else they're not doing them any more? 

Okay, blogger is maybe sticking the video here? I converted to an mp4 to see if that will work.

And some photos

 I’m here. We went out to the farm store today (new stock tank heater for the big tub of water that serves as insulation over the too-shallow portion of the drain pipe for the sump pump- this solution suggested by a plumber) and squirrel feed and a new large crockpot to cook the turkey breast 

 

And some new net lights. These are distressingly fragile; I don’t know if the wiring breaks or a fuse gets blown but often they only light up on half after being stored for a year. But we pieced together enough with the new ones and the ones that still worked and a couple single strands 

On the road

 Kind of a cluster getting on: they wouldn’t pull the train up for the rear sleeper car (where I am) so I had to walk through coach to get to my room and someone else had to haul my suitcase for me (no checked bags).

The “butter chicken” was okay, curry is curry, I guess.

There are a couple really loud kids in here, hopefully they go down for bed soon 

But at least I am on the way 

Almost break time

 I got home a bit earlier this afternoon. I'm now mostly packed, but I have to remember my medications and mouthguard and makeup and hairbrush and stuff like antiperspirant in the morning. I've got the pastel socks and a yarn for a new set of mitts in my carry on, and the ongoing scarf in my suitcase (because there was room).

I also started something new:

The veriest start on a pair of socks - these will be for my mother for Christmas (hopefully I finish them in time). The yarn is a West Yorkshire Spinners yarn in the colorway "Kingfisher" (they have a whole line named for various British birds, reflecting their colors).

Another little thing I did was a repair. A friend sent me a Bluey tree ornament but it had got knocked around a bit in transit (it's that "resin" material that is kind of brittle) and Bluey's ears broke, but fortunately Gorilla Glue worked for it

So yes, they're on the tree now

I do have another piece of recently-acquired Bluey merch:

This is one of those little printed fleece blankets. It's called a "travel blanket" (But I'm not taking it with; I had the Suumiko Gurashi one folded up and ready - it is sometimes chilly on the train). 

***

And yeah, I leave tomorrow. It's been hectic, so I have no "time embargoed" posts. I'll try to post a little from the road; maybe just photos. I hope when I get back I have a little time to relax.

Finished a thing

 Well, actually, finished several things:

 - graded all the "catch up" (late) grading

 - graded the exam I gave today

 - wrote the biostats final

But also, I finished the knitting on mitts for the AAUW exchange and put them out to block, both to stretch them a bit (so they will fit better when sewn up) and to show off the lace pattern. 

Here's a closer view of one

They get sewn up and a "keyhole" left in the seam for the thumb

I've begun thinking about travel projects. I want to cast on for the socks I am trying to make my mom for Christmas but will have to only work on those up in my room or at times when I'm apart from her. But I also have the pastel ombre socks (for me) to get back to, and I might wind off yarn for a pair of small cabled socks - I found a pale gray with a few pastel flecks, and a pattern called "boxelder" socks with small isolated cables. But also, I have the dream-in-color brand yarn (a dk weight) and a very simple mitt pattern that is like a knit-round (and plain stockinette, not lace) version of the gift mitts pictured above. 

That's probably enough projects; I tend to take too much. I might take along the book on seashells and if I don't finish "Cry, The Beloved Country," take that to read as well. And at least one mystery novel, and perhaps something else.

A few photos

 I think I mentioned buying some "vintage" (late 60s) tree ornaments from a couple Etsy sellers. They're Jewelbrite (or Jewel Brite) brand. Apparently made in the US, all plastic. (I have another one of those "plastic capsule with figure inside" ornaments, but it's a goofy little Santa and it has the feeling of one of those Made-in-Japan things where the Christmas traditions didn't quite translate:

The Jewelbrite ornaments, while plastic, are a bit more artistic and, dare I say, reverent? The main one I wanted featured the Holy Family:

I also got two of the three kings. I was hoping (I didn't remember because I ordered these at different times) to get all three of the kings. But I did get Caspar

And TWO Balthazars, but no Melchior. (If I remember correctly, the traditional names were Caspar for the one from sort of a "European like" area (white skin) and Balthazar was from Africa (dark skin) and Melchior was from an unspecified Asian area. And yes, I know - this is all syncretion and there's not really any textual support for it, but it's kind of nice, I think.

So I have my two Balthazars. Which might be appropriate as I have read that sub-Saharan Africa is one area where Christianity is actually gaining adherents.

I dunno. I just think the ornaments are neat. They're a little before my time and my parents didn't have any of them, but they are very much the style of ornaments that were common when I was a kid. 

There were apparently other designs: different shapes to the "capsules," and there were more "secular Christmas" symbols like Santa and reindeer in some I've seen. But these were affordable and they are nice. 

I also bought a little flocked angel at the one antique shop I went to on Saturday:

Again, we didn't have one exactly like this when I was a kid, but this is very much the style of ornaments we had, so I like it.

*****

I also finally got some photos of Darwin, the departmental kitten (several people share custody of him and one of them take him home every night, and he comes in to campus most days and hangs out in one of my colleague's offices, and people kind of use him as a therapy cat. He is tiny - he was an abandoned kitten and is probably somewhere between six and eight weeks old now. He is VERY sweet and likes to be held. A couple times when I've been holding him up against my chest he's gone to sleep, or once, I was holding him vertically (one hand under his backside, one on his back, his head looking up and me) and he went into a "loaf pose" (tucking his feet in) against my chest which was almost impossibly cute.

He has that sort of funny fuzzy kitten coat, with some longer hairs that stick out, you can see it here on his back

Leaving this here

 So I can find the link again, especially for after Thanksgiving when I'm (hopefully) less busy:

List of 2024 Christmas movies on OTA/cable television

 

the times are Eastern so I'll have to mentally subtract an hour. Home Alone II is on tonight and so I might just have that as background noise while I try to relax this evening. (Most of these movies I know well enough that I don't really actively watch them but they provide a distraction from the silence of my house)

 

And I find I'm back to disliking the Hallmark type ones. I swing wildly back and forth on these; some years I enjoy them even though I know they're nowhere on the same planet as reality. Other years, to quote Dorothy Parker about something very different, "Tonstant Weader fwowed up"

something I've realized

 Today was a busy day. I collected a take home exam (and managed to grade them all between classes and meetings), met with and heard the talks by a job candidate, taught two of my three classes scheduled (the third one, we already finished the material, so I told them to work on their final papers instead). 

And mid afternoon, just after 4, as I was finishing the grading, I thought, "I feel really sad. This isn't good"

(Especially considering I kind of agreed to go out to the group dinner tonight with the job candidate)

And then I realized: you felt this before. You felt this when you wrote the exam (which is a very mentally intensive task). Apparently now a new thing for me is when I use my brain too much in a day it makes me sad.

This is suboptimal.

I mean, there are a lot of sad-making things out in the world - the future is a bit alarming. And I still have a long list of things to try to get done this week. And I once again ran across this quotation from Anthony Bourdain and felt sad again that often the interesting and fundamentally kind people leave us early, and the unkind people are always with us:

“Have dinner tonight at a local restaurant. Order the cream sauce. Have a cold beer at 4pm in a nearly empty bar. Go somewhere you’ve never been before. Listen to someone who, at first glance, seems like you have nothing in common.

Try the rare steak. Savor an oyster. Order a negroni. Order two. Open yourself up to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you — but toast them anyway.

Eat slowly. Tip your server well. Check in on your friends. Check in on yourself. And enjoy every second of it.”

And yes, it's unlikely I'd ever have a cold beer in a nearly empty bar - I dislike beer and feel unwelcome in bars. But I do eat at local restaurants (more often lunch than dinner). I try to understand the people around me. And I do tip my servers well, waiting tables is hard work.

But I do struggle to enjoy every second, and I think a lot of it is that I am just tired a lot. I don't know if I've lost some of my ability to "do" like I once had (age) or if I am just not sleeping enough or if the pandemic did break something in me that won't heal (and there are other bits of News of the World that remind me that meritocracy was a myth, and that I wasn't as "gifted" as I was told I was as a student, and that trying to be a fundamentally decent person probably won't get you far in this world and might even actively hurt you)

Maybe I'll feel better when I finish the gift mitts. Or when I get a little time to relax, I don't know.  Tomorrow is an easier teaching day (one class) but I need to look at one of my finals and fundamentally rewrite big chunks of it (didn't cover some of the material) and also prepare the review guides for the finals in the other classes. And I have to print out my tickets, I keep forgetting that, and check the list of things I need to take and think about packing. And start thinking about moving my supplies for labs somewhere before the construction begins. 

But at least now I know when I feel inexplicably sad after a long day, it is likely just being tired.

Heh - I remember when I was a kid once and I was sad and crying about something and someone asked me what was wrong, and I responded "oh, I'm just tired" which was an oddly adult thing for me to say at like six, but I did. (And now I wonder if I either heard one of my parents say it about me to someone else when I was crying over an actual slight, or if maybe my mom said it on one of the very rare instances when I saw her crying). But yeah. I'm just tired.

finished a thing

 This is the first (of two) of squares that will get sewn up into a simple pair of wristlets for the AAUW gift. I am about 1/3 of the way through the second one; really hoping to finish these this weekend.

 

 Tomorrow is my day out. I didn't get as much time to relax or clean as I planned today; I didn't get the grading I wanted to complete done as fast as I wanted to. 

What I need is a gift (If I can find the thing I want) for my niece, and a few nonperishables that I can't get in town. Oh, and a small toy for the AAUW meeting; we're asked to bring a toy costing $10 or less for Toys for Tots. (And I might buy a bigger one to donate myself; I've done that many years).

I also want to go antiquing and to the various craft stores. I bought a pattern off Etsy for something called a Wobblemop (a fantasy animal) that has very bright neon hair so I might consider getting some really obnoxiously bright acrylic yarn and some white or cream (that's what the originals are shown as,, and that's what appeals to me) and plan it as an over-break (over CHRISTMAS break) project. 

I do also want to start Bluey some time but these gloves - a gift - are more urgent

Missed a day

 Well, a couple.

If anyone IS still reading.....I know in the earlier days of blogs when someone missed a few days of posting, if they were a regular poster, sometimes people worried a bit.

I'm still here. Just busy and intermittently freaked out at the brave new world (with such people in it, oy) that we're experiencing. I guess I mislabeled my Tuesday post as Monday, and then Wednesday was a long and difficult board meeting (we all agreed on the couple things we had to vote on, it's just they weren't particularly happy things - dealing with the spiking cost of insuring the place, dealing with a couple people who are in one of the small apartments we rent who are an ongoing problem).

Last night I had a lot of grading and had to prep something for class tomorrow, so my "oh thank goodness I can take the evening off" didn't really happen. I had intended to write something but I wound up getting into bed around 10 and then thinking "crud" but not getting back up to do even a placeholder

But today, yeah - I can leave campus at noon and I have only a tiny bit of grading (short article discussions in one class) and my plan is to do a little cleaning here this afternoon. And then tomorrow - do what in-person Christmas shopping I need to do, and maybe go to at least one of the antique stores, and do some nicer grocery shopping (even if next week I leave for Illinois). 

I need some time off. It's been a LOT of grading this past week, and also a LOT of people to deal with. And three nights this week I was out at meetings. And Monday, we have an interview that I hope goes well, so we can fill an empty position.

Monday evening things

 * I need to maybe relax and knit a little. The news today is kind of scary and also there's a lot of unpleasantness - a case of "suspected road rage" near me where someone threw eggs at another person's car, making that person think they were being shot at. Expect more of this.

Also, coming home, someone was coming down Wilson way too fast and not looking, and I wound up running up on a low curb to avoid being sideswiped - it's a curvy street and people park on it so it is NOT WIDE ENOUGH in places

* Got an e-mail reminding of the impending closure of Quilt Asylum and I'm sad all over again. It'll be a hole in Downtown Denison. Though apparently restaurants are way more profitable/desirable because their downtown director talked about wanting to encourage MORE of them. I don't know. I will be very sad if there's nowhere other than big-box places in a few years but that may be where it's headed.

* And yeah, I am taking this weekend OFF. I'm exhausted. I want to go to Sherman/Denison while there are still places to go. 

For one thing: I realized I really MISS antiquing, I have done it FAR less than before 2020, and I don't think I did it at all this year with my injured knee. I'm probably good enough now to climb the stairs (carefully) in the shops that have them. And they usually have vintage tree ornaments out this time of the year, even if I don't see any I want to buy, it's still nice to see them. 

I might also go to the yarn shop; I'm still slightly spooked by all the Tariff talk, thinking that almost all yarn is produced overseas and at least it'll go up 10% in price and at most in some cases the price might double, and .... yeah, I won't be able to afford to shop for yarn any more.

I shouldn't buy more, but one thing I've learned is that in my dysfunctional relationship with myself, buying myself "presents" is how I do "self care" even though it makes little sense. (I have too much stuff already). I don't know how to break myself of it but I have to. (Well, ha ha, maybe rising prices will)

* And there's this article (Guardian link). Yeah, I feel that.. I can tell when I do a lot of "head work" these days (writing an intensive exam, grading, lots of meetings) I am much less resilient in the evening, and that's when worries about the world weigh heavier on me, or I cry, or I wonder what good can possibly come for me in the future. 

And yes, I also need to find some way to do an end-run around those feelings. Not doing all the work isn't an option and going to bed at 7 pm to get extra sleep feels like that means I lose any personal time I have. I don't have anyone near and dear I can unload on. So I am kind of stuck recognizing "this is a problem" but also "at this point there's no way to make it better"

* it's hard to "make the light" or "find hope." And it's really hard to do alone. And I'm tired, so tired.

looking for light

 One thing I did this weekend was decorate for Christmas. Yes, a week earlier than I sometimes do, but this week ahead is going to be tough (three evening meetings) and I want to leave Saturday open to do a little Christmas shopping.

I admit, I almost didn't do it. I got in A Mood, which I do pretty easily these days, and said "why even bother? everything is bad, there's no comfort or joy in the world, I don't have time, I'll just have to take it all down in January" but then I decided I'd feel sad if I didn't, and better I do it on Saturday afternoon/evening then stay up too late some weeknight. 

First thing I did was change out the lights over the door and over the main windows. This took going up on the step stool so I also changed the furnace filter (the holder is in the ceiling) and flipped the calendar over to November.

The ones that look like a continuous line of yellow are the white lights, against the other colors I guess they look yellow. 

I also put up the snowflake lights. I like these but MAN do they tangle because of the little arms on the snowflakes

they also have a blinking function but they all blink in unison and it's a little too "shop advertising" feeling so I am leaving them on continuous-on

I put up the tree, too. It's harder with a knee that intermittently hurts but I did it. I might not have put as many ornaments up high as I did in the past, up on the step stool at one point I thought "it would be about the stupidest way ever to get seriously injured by falling off a stepladder doing something that was literally unnecessary"

But that, I also got done, and got the old favorite ornaments on. 

I did have two that broke while being stored - the pink toyshop (that one hurt a little, I remember finding it in the "before times" at one of the antique shops. It wasn't valuable - it was probably from the 80s at the earliest - but I liked it and it still made me sad). I also lost one of the faux-Scandinavian style ones but I had another like it. But I hate how stuff breaks or wears out and even if you're careful bad things can happen.

This is the view from my recliner, where I spend a lot of time in my living room

And the front of the tree. You can see I have a lot of "figural" ornaments

And more ornaments:

In the past, I used to regularly buy a new (or new to me) ornament or two. I hadn't for a couple years (pandemic, plus just.....didn't get out as much to do the antique shop circuit). 

I ordered one this year from an artist who does them 

Bernard and Bianca! One of the first movies I remember seeing in the theater (and the first I remember really liking a lot) was the original Rescuers. So it's nice to have this - it's just flat, painted wood, but it's nice. 

I guess it makes me feel a little better having the tree up. I'm hoping when I can finally relax (Thursday) I'll be able to enjoy it more.